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How to Survive a Zombie Attack

Are you prepared for an outbreak of the undead? Have you seen enough movies to anticipate and react appropriately to the range of events that are sure to take place on Z-Day? Here's your makeshift survival guide.

 Steps

1. It's not that easy… Go out and buy The Zombie Survival Guide, by Max Brooks. Read it from front to back. Read it again. Read it until you know it cover to cover. Any piece of information you do not retain is an opening for failure of survival on Z-Day.

2. Know your enemy. Zombies are not superhuman. Zombies can, at most, perform as well as they could when they were alive, but they never do. They cannot run, fly, lift amazing amounts of weight, or read your mind. The one thing they have going for them… stamina. Zombies have eyesight comparable to your own; if you can see them, they can see you. They have excellent hearing, this is only because they depend on their senses equally, unlike humans, so be quiet, especially in the dark. Zombies distinguish prey from other zombies by smell, but nothing is known about WHAT smell exactly attracts them, and there are no products to cover or cleanse that smell. Zombies cannot feel anything, so when you slice off their heads, don't feel badly, but do be aware that even a severely damaged zombie will continue attacking, and that NO injuries suffered by said zombie will deter it from continuing an attack, unless of course, it has to go to the bathroom.

3. Learn the signs of an outbreak. It will start small. A zombie outbreak doesn't turn into a Class 3 overnight. A Class 1 outbreak often goes unnoticed, but can be very important. Look for strange homicides, or "accidents," with the number of deaths ranging from 1 to 50. Class 2 outbreaks are more likely to happen in urban or densely populated areas, with zombie numbers ranging from 50 to 200, and total human casualties reaching several hundred more. The attack will not last much longer than a Class 1 (a couple days to a couple weeks). There is almost always press accompanying a Class 2 outbreak. So keep an eye on the media. Class 3 outbreaks are your worst nightmare. Zombie numbers will range somewhere in the thousands, and take over an area of several hundred miles. During a Class 3, your preparation and practice are your best weapon; those alive in the infested area are left to fend for themselves.

4. Choose your weapon. Yeah, guns are nice, they leave you plenty of room to kill your predators, and don't cause as much psychological trauma as the decapitation of the little old neighbor can. But guns require ammo, and reloading can take a long time, if the gunman is under extreme pressure, which he will most certainly be. Your best bet, it a blade, or a strong blunt object, like a crowbar. They're as low-weight as any gun, and are easy to maintain. Practice wielding your weapon. Chop or bang through as much as you can before the outbreak, and you'll be better prepared to bash through a zombie skull when the need arises. If you're caught without a weapon, use something, anything.  A butter knife can be jabbed through the eyeball or temple of a zombie, but do leave the weapon inside the zombie, if it's small. Get another knife, and once the attack is over, or calmed, find a better weapon you won't have to leave behind.

5. Use common sense: Don't wait around for a zombie attack, find a shelter and get to it. Make sure your shelter had very few entrances (or exits, let's be smart about this) and that those entrances will be easily boarded up. After you've got a secure hideaway,  water and food are your next objective. Water is more important than food, so make sure you've got something drinkable. Caffeine and sodium are not your friends! NEVER eat a zombie. That's the express train to zombie-hood. If you can prepare enough ahead of time, you may not have to leave your house, but please refer to Brooks' book for information regarding that course of action.

6. It takes about twenty-four hours (give or take an hour or two) for an infected human to die and reanimate. If someone is bitten, they're doomed. Consider all wounded by zombies dead, and hopeless. Kill ALL wounded by zombies BEFORE they die and reanimate. If anyone in your group is having trouble understanding that killing a dying human is WAY easier than a newborn zombie, tie them up, gag them, and put them in the corner for a while. It may be difficult to comprehend the changes that take place once someone has been bitten, but always think ahead to the problems you'll face once that person isn't themselves anymore. It may help to desensitize yourself to blood and gore, but killing someone you know, or worse, someone you love, will be near impossible. Weigh your options: Killing your mum while she's still your mum, and knowing you saved her from the pain and suffering of reanimation and zombiedom vs. Killing a ravenous monster that kinda looks like your mum, but who is now trying to eat you alive… Kill her before she dies and reanimates. It may seem like a good idea to have someone else do it, but beware the feelings you'll get knowing your neighbor or best friend sliced off your mom's head (and quite possibly didn't need to be asked twice).

7. This isn't anywhere near enough information to save you from a zombie attack. This is just enough information to help you realize the amount of preparation you'll need to survive should an outbreak occur near you. Reread Step 1, and follow it, if you haven't already. Brook's book is filled with information you wont have even thought of obtaining.

 Tips

* If you can't afford the book, go to the library. It's scary that it's in the library, isn't it?

* Zombie outbreaks aren't only in the UK, or the US, they happen EVERYWHERE.

* Preparation is key. You don't even have to leave your house if you're prepared enough.

 Warnings

* Your friends and family may not listen to your warnings of an outbreak, or of the need from preparation. Do what you can to help them, even if you can't convince them.

 Things You'll Need

* A good weapon (Guns for Class 1 outbreaks or temporary use, blades and strong blunt objects for long-term use).

* Water and food for the long-term, if needed.

* A safe hideout.

* An entourage of prepared humans.


Article added: 26 October 2007
 

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