Editor's Note: With all this talk about "state your case, dictate your authority and then foreclose any possibility for opposition," has change come to writing in America?

How to Write an Essay About Nothing

Writing an essay about nothing is a complex art of wasting space on paper with words.

 Steps

1. Analyze the steps used in writing a real essay and do those in reverse.

2. Analyze how you aren't fulfilling the goals of a real essay

3. Example essay about nothing: In the next eight hundred and fifty words, I will demonstrate effective tactics for successfully writing an essay about nothing. What we will see in this essay is that writing an essay about nothing is very similar to writing an essay about something. For instance, in an essay about nothing one should start by realizing how many words he needs to write for the assignment and begin to strategize for how he is going to blabber on for at least that amount of words. This is exactly how one should begin when writing an essay about something. Understand how much space you have to use and then figure out how you are going to waste it.

4. Another thing that must be done when writing an essay is proving your authority. When writing an essay about something the best way to do that is to plagiarize. Although we might not have anything of value to say on any given topic there are experts in any given field who can speak with authority. One can then utilize that information to back up their claim or just repackage that information and remake the expert's claim. The easiest way, though, for one to prove their authority on a given issue is to claim that they are the expert in a given field or make claims and make up studies that can then be used to support your claims. Remember anybody can post anything on Wikipedia so if a teacher will accept it as a reference, write what you want there and then source that and just make sure it’s quoted in MLA format so it looks professional.

5. Lucky for me: in proving my authority in the discipline of essay writing about nothingness I am the expert. And as the foremost expert in the field of essays about nothing I can dictate the principles of how to effectively waste space on paper to write an essay about nothing and you will have to accept it as the proper format for doing so. To demonstrate my expertise in the field of essays about nothing I will show you how perfect my previously stated principles for accomplishing that goal are. In accordance with principle number one that the writer of an essay should always keep in mind how much more space he needs to fill to fulfill his assignment I will state that I have written three hundred and eighty words. Well now the count is at four hundred and as I just finished writing that it became four hundred and twenty five. This means that I have exactly half the essay left to come to a point if I were to choose to do so. In writing an essay about something it’s very important to ensure that you know the word count in order to ensure that you don’t put in any more work than necessary.

6. The next most important thing in writing an essay is to make sure to prove your points and absolutely neglect any notion that there could be opposing ideas. Recognizing opposition suggests that your argument is weak. It also allows people to think about the other side of the issue. Bad Idea. We want to keep the reader focused so he will definitely walk away with our point of view. An excellent showing of this writing style is the New York Times.

7. There are some points in this essay however that haven’t yet been proven. I haven’t yet proven my expertise in the field of essay about nothingness to you. I will now prove my expertise by making use of option three in paragraph one. For those readers too lazy to look up two paragraphs, I will repeat the theory and end up wasting more essay space about nothing. An excellent way to waste space in an essay is to repeat yourself. It also helps readers remember your key points and it keeps a flow in your essay. But now we must return to my proving my expertise by claiming my expertise and then making up sources to prove it.

8. Firstly in displaying my expertise in the field of writing an essay about nothing I would like to demonstrate the two key components of an essay about nothing and my G-d given skill in relationship to these two components. The two key components in essays about nothing is:

A) Wasting time

B) Nothingness

9. I spend almost every day of my life wasting time being invested in nothingness. And as a result of the time I’ve spent involved with these two elements I’ve become an expert in their usage. My expertise in this field has been acknowledged by multiple blogging communities and has even been published on wikiHow. wikiHow is an online community were experts share insights about how to perform tasks. I was the expert asked to teach the global community about how to write an essay about nothing. Other scholars commented on the article “Understand that Robert Bernstein is the Expert in the Field of Writing about Nothing and that He Should Be Acknowledged as the Expert on all Essays about Nothing.” As such I am the recognized expert in the field of writing essays about nothing.

10. The last and most important thing in writing an essay is that you write a conclusion in which you just restate your hypothesis. For example, in conclusion writing an essay about nothing requires all the key components of essay making as an essay about something. The thing an author must remember to do is realize how much space he has to use/waste, dictate his authority, neglect any possibility for opposition, prove his point and then restate his thesis in the conclusion paragraph and call it a day.

 Tips

* Understand that Robert Bernstein is the expert in the field in writing about nothing and that he should be acknowledged as the expert on all essays about nothing.
— English Writers Guild


 Warnings

* Be careful not to put in effort


Article added: 26 January 2009


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