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How to Communicate With Sponges

Have you ever felt lonely? Have you ever wanted to have a conversation, but had nobody to talk with? Have you ever looked at your sponge, desperately, wanting nothing more than to communicate with him or her? If so, following these steps will ensure effective communication between you and your sponge.


1. Isolate the sponge. Sponges, by nature, lack the ability to concentrate on one thing for an extended period of time; they are easily distracted. This explains why communication between humans and sponges is so rare. Sitting in a sink or on a countertop, a sponge is distracted by so many things that he or she cannot concentrate long enough on you to communicate in any way.

2. Find a small space devoid of any objects. Place the sponge on the floor in this space, and then enter the space yourself.

3. Stare intently at the sponge. The color of the sponge determines exactly where you should stare at it. Blue sponges prefer to have their right side stared at, while green sponges prefer to have their left side stared at. Yellow sponges enjoy being stared at down the middle. Finally, if the sponge is any shade of red, including orange and pink, he or she likes to be stared at around the anus area. This may make you uncomfortable, but the sponge will be very happy.

4. Make no sudden movement. At this point, the sponge will be staring directly at you, and you will be staring directly at it. After about ten minutes of intense staredown, the sponge will have finally adjusted to your presence. He or she is now concentrating on you and you alone. If you make any sudden movement, however, the sponge will become distracted, get scared, and flee the space.

5. Say the word "Schumpf."

6. Wait six seconds.

7. Say the word "Retard", emphasizing the second syllable (re-TARD).

8. Wait four seconds.

9. Say the word "Guesstimate."

10. Stand completely still. The magic code of "Schumpf reTARD" has been uttered. "Guesstimate" was only said to humor the sponge, as "guesstimate" is a funny word. Within only seconds, you will be communicating with your sponge.

11. Let the sponge do the talking. Once your sponge begins to speak, he or she will not want to stop. As untrained sponges (or "pups" in the sponge community), they are capable of talking for hours without stopping. Also, you will observe that the voice is whiny and high pitched. This noise may cause you to excrete uncontrollably; that is, waste will literally be plummeting from your anus into your pants, where it will then trickle slowly down your leg and onto the floor.

12. Listen carefully. Although the sponge seems to be talking aimlessly (and annoyingly complaining a fair amount, too), his or her words are sacred. Do not interrupt the sponge; instead, listen to its entire speech. Once he or she has finished, you may proceed.

13. Name your sponge. The very first word you speak to your sponge following its hour-long rant must be his or her name. Male sponges require strictly masculine names; female sponges require strictly feminine names. So don't name the sponge "Jamie" or "Alex" or "Sam". Also, all sponges require normal, American names, so don't even try naming the sponge "Azia" or "Musa" or "Juan". And finally, sponges hate celebrities, so don't you even dare name the sponge "Beyonce" or "Paris" or "Napoleon Dynamite." Don't even go there.

14. Once the name has been uttered, always refer to the sponge by his or her name. If you remember to do that, you will be able to successfully talk to your sponge.


* Once you have begun your conversation with the sponge, do not mention SpongeBob SquarePants. SpongeBob is like their George Bush; he represents their species poorly.

* Determine the gender of the sponge in the same way that you would determine the gender of a human.

* Good male sponge names include: Ben, John, Steve, and Walter.

* Good female sponge names include: Lauren, Jessica, Marsha, or Anne.

* Don't you even dare try to communicate with two sponges at once. This will create jealousy, which can lead to sponge murder.


* Sponges are carnivorous. Numerous cases of man-killing sponge attacks have been reported.

* Sponges have been known to use foul language.

* Sponges are outspoken racists and sexists, too.

* If a sponge gets overexcited about the topic of the conversation, he or she will urinate with no aim whatsoever.

Article added: 04 January 2008

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