Editor's Note: Our article about how to talk to a sponge was lonely, so we thought we would add this one to the mix.

How to Talk to a Heinz Pickle

The fundamental steps of capturing the attention and attempting a dialogue with a Heinz pickle.


1. Remove fork from the cutlery drawer and the pickle jar from the storage locations.

2. Prepare the pickle stand for accepting your specimen.

3. Open the jar, take up the fork and hunt down your subject without mercy or remorse.

4. Skewer your chosen target carefully; an ill placed forking will render the pickle unable to be pulled from the jar.

5. Do NOT swear at your pickle at this point or it is likely to fall back into the jar in reply.

6. Place the pickle upon the prepared stand or use the fork for this purpose as well but praise your pickle for being so tame and helpful.

7. Make sure to share with your pickle the importance of caloric intake and consumption of alternate life forms; most particularly fruits and vegetables, and critters without faces or parents - be shocking and revelatory at the same time and work to GET THAT PICKLE'S ATTENTION!!!

8. While the pickle is still reeling in shock and unable to reply, bite off its head and render it silent.

9. Consume the pickle quickly before you are caught murdering a drunken, defenseless cucumber.

10. Stash all evidence and clean up all possible stains and splatters - COVER YOUR TRACKS!


* The longer the fork, the easier the stabbing

* Poke the pickle in the butt not the side

* Eliminate all witnesses with a mind meld memory wipe

* Speak to your pickle with authority and it will respond with dignity

* Never be abrupt with your pickle

* Sucking the pickle before biting it is illegal in some places

* Sucking your pickle while biting it is recommended

* No matter how you might try you will never talk to that Heinz pickle, so enjoy the crunch!


* Bread and butter pickles have no ears

* Sliced pickles have no brains

* Only whole pickles may possibly hear you

* When biting the pickle you have been speaking to; expect it to squirt back in reply.

 Things You'll Need

* Fork

* Stand

* Pickle (prepared)

* Patience

Article added: 20 February 2009

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The Joy of Pickle

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