Editor's note: If you are really going to try this, limit yourself to large meatballs or an oversized potato or something. This and all articles at wikiHowl are for entertainment purposes only.

How to Swallow Large Items

For centuries, humans have unsuccessfully tried to imitate the ways of some carnivorous animals; that is, we have tried to swallow very large items. Yet, for the most part, humans have not succeeded in this task. However, these tips can help you swallow anything you need to.

 Steps

Relax. Get into your groove. Some people find meditation to be the most relaxing method. Others find moving the bowels to work best. No matter how you do it, just relax and calm yourself down.

Enter a jungle. Most of nature's greatest swallowers reside in jungles (i.e. snakes, hippos, cheetahs, and fruit flies). Once you have entered the jungle, find an area to sit and take notes.

Observe the ways of the animals. Listen to their voices. Sniff the jungle air. With this newfound sensation, you may find your pants wet from accidental urination. Do not be upset. This is a good thing.

Leave the jungle, and head to a hardware store. Once at the store, purchase one large saw, four to five sharp knives, and a few other shiny things of your choice.

Begin the swallowing process. Now that you have relaxed, witnessed the ways of the animals, and purchased all necessary equipment, you are ready to swallow large items. For example, you buy a new SUV, but you don't want a specific person to know. But, to your surprise and dread, this person is about to arrive and see your new SUV. No need to panic; just follow these next steps.

Saw your face open. Without any hesitancy, bring the saw to your lower cheek and begin sawing across your face. Within seconds, you will have lost all feeling and red liquid will be pouring down your face. This is normal.

Swallow the large item. Now that you have created a larger space for the large item to go into, you are ready to swallow. Take a deep breath and engulf the large item in your mouth.

 Tips

Do not tell the hardware store employee of your intentions. He/she will probably end up calling the police, who will then take you to a mental hospital or insane asylum.

 Warnings

When swallowing humans note that this may be considered murder by the local, state, or federal authorities.

Keep the knives you purchased at the hardware store. In case something goes wrong as you try to swallow the large item, you will at least have the knives, with which you can then threaten the person who was not supposed to see the large item.

Swallowing money, while tasty, is also considered illegal. Additionally, this hobby can be more expensive than golf or even poker.

Bragging to your friends about your new ability is mean, and should be avoided or at the very least, forgotten.

Often, the large items you want to swallow have various toxins in them. Naturally, these toxins could lead to disease, paralysis, or death.

 Things You'll Need

Saw
Knives
Something to swallow
Stupidity


Article added: 03 December 2007

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