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How to Stop Bears

Being humans with weak forearms suited only for reading papers, we are under constant threat from bears; with their mean temper, and hair an affront to our masculinity.  Their claws are often an affront to our skin, which does not like being shredded. As Jeremy Paxman once said towards the House of Commons, “I hate bears, they’re bastards.” This guide will aid you on your quest.

Bears come in many varieties: Brown, Black, Kodiak, Ursa Major, Panda, Teddy, Polar and the inexplicable gigantic bears of Kaloomantwo. With their diversity, therefore, bears have managed to live in such harsh arid climates ranging from Space and the Arctic, to harsh oppressive climes such as China.

Bears are mammals, meaning they give birth to live eggs covered in hair. This also means they’ll knock your block off even if it’s a bit nippy out. So beware of your blocks, lest their order be disrupted.

A good plan for not death (not to be confused with “cot death”) is to avoid bears. But for some people, bears are just a part of life, which is why everyone takes precautions. Taking measures to avoid bear death is called bearing up. It is not uncommon for Canadians to ask their friends how they’re bearing up, especially when one of them looks miserable after a break-up (which is a common time for people to forget to bear up).  If you find yourself with a bear charging towards you. This guide is for you, containing all the information necessary to know How to Stop Bears.


1. The universal rules of bearstop. So, you’ve got a bear comin’ atcha’. What you gonna do? The tribesman of Merica says you should put your ear to the ground, judge your distance from your foe and then, when the time is right, get in a car and leave. This method was shunned by many explorers as cheating and you can’t put your ear to the ground in the arctic. This guide is better than his guide; don’t listen to him.

2. Bears respond to certain things, including explosions, earthquakes, sharks and death. A good response is just to shoot the bear in the face, this is proven to be more effective than birth control pills, which rarely are able to kill bears. If your gun is made out of an inappropriate substance or out of rounds, you will have to use more survivalist techniques. The first and foremost of which includes entering a nearby house or shop, or alerting your local community support guy (fake policeman). Using the distraction of bricks and a false veneer of power, you could either leave, or jump into the bears eyes and pull on the optic nerve until its brains fall out.

3. The tendency of a bear’s brain to simply fall out of its head is one of the few weaknesses possessed by the Ursidae family. Once the brain is completely dislodged, it must be destroyed before it crawls into another lesser being, transforming their mind into that of a bears. If you stomp on it to perform this function, it must be noted your footwear must then be cleaned. Lest your shoes become bear-like in behaviour: stomping on things, hibernating in the winter, and growling at people who work at Matalan.

4. If you’re not in a high street when this happens, well, that’s most unfortunate. But also, what are you doing? Trekking some woods, or trekking stars or something? You’re asking for trouble. Plus, if you’re an explorer, where is your gun? Seriously, you’re pretty incompetent.

5. But if that’s the case, and you feel you don’t deserve to die (if you feel otherwise, see the article on dying effectively), then you need to use one of the more outlandish methods. The most popular of which is known as crab time! The basic principles of crab time! state that if you walk sideways, the bear can’t get you. Bears can’t walk sideways, and they’d have to turn. So when it turns to face you and then lunges again, just walk sideways again so the lunge misses. Then you can time your own lunge, and jump into its eyes. Brain time commences and the problem is dealt with. These are the universal rules of bearstop.

6. While it can be argued that the universal rules of bearstop are universal, they don’t apply to everything. Not stamps, not igloos, and certainly not types of bear which are slightly different from the most common kind. The triple trio of Brown, Black and Kodiak should all be able to be dealt with using the aforementioned methods. (Care should be taken with Kodiaks, natives believe they steal part of your soul. These rumours have not been confirmed since the soul can’t be quantified.)

7. Polar Bears - The closest in terms of similarity would have to be the polar bear. There are many differences between your average grizzly bear and a polar bear, but the only one worthy of note is that a polar bear is white. With that in mind, you can pretty much use your pre-existing knowledge. But it can use snow, which pretty much rivals that which I have already written. Besides, if a polar bear shuts its eyes and mouth digs it paw pads into the snow except for one it holds over its nose – it turns invisible. When dealing with an invisible foe, there is only one logical solution: excrete everywhere. This will reveal the bear amongst the white blur and allow you to jump in its eyes.

8. Panda Bear – The rules don’t apply to panda bears because they’re completely harmless. Killing them is made much easier as a result.

9. Teddy Bear - Teddy Bears are ferocious killers, and they walk on two legs. They’re afraid of fire, which can be used to subdue them. Often tribes of teddy bears have different weaknesses, but usually these are written down on a tag on the back of the leg or tail. If you can incapacitate it with flames for long enough you can grab a look and use it to achieve victory.

10. Ursa Major - Commonly considered the most deadly and hardest to destroy of all bears. Ursa Major is a constellation made out of suns, i.e. giant balls of fire. Harming this bear has long been the quest of many bear hunters, unfortunately none have come back victorious, or alive. If I had to give advice on how to destroy, I would say one should attempt to make the universe collapse into itself, thus eliminating the galaxy in which Ursa Major resides - and maybe a couple of others.


General rules of thumb for tackling bears include:
Hating bears. Liking death. Not being a bear. Thumbs. Air. Space. Bullets. Bears. Universe. Life. Existence. Particles. Not Death.


Bears are dangerous.

Article added: 30 November 2007

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To stop a bear in
this predicament, consider an over the
counter preparation.

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