Editor's Note: Many writers of wikiHows headed for the deletion bin have a pretty rough sense of humor, as demonstrated by this politically incorrect article about how to pad your cheese larder.

How to Steal Cheese and Not Get Caught

Cheese theft is illegal. So you didn't hear this from me.

Steps

1. Locate your local cheese shop or cheese-selling ice cream stand.

2. Spend two or three weeks scoping out the place with your retarded friends who you broke out of the local special school (for help on this watch Rain Man).

3. At the end of week 2/3 come together and make notes on the store's layout or the position of the stand you aim to steal from.

4. Once you have acquired a large amount of info, do the same for the owner.

5. Find out where he lives, who he lives with, if he has any pets, where he works (although this should be fairly obvious).

6. At the end of the 2nd or 3rd week again come together with your strange friends and pool your ideas together, although I doubt they will have much to offer you.

7. Now it's time for the steal. From here on the part A is for robbing a shop, B is for a stand. Read as applicable to you.

A) Send one of your special friends into the shop.

     Send in another one after ten or so minutes.

     Make the first victim tackle the second and then watch them wrestle with one
     another.

     You wait by the window for the shopkeeper to come and break up the fight.

     When he does you bop him on the head with a small (large) axe.

     Steal the cheese. Good news is you won't get done for cheese theft because the
     police will be focusing on the murder.

     Happy Cheesing.

B) Climb on the nearest roof, wearing some sort of superhero costume.

     Jump from the rooftop, swooping down onto the top of the stand.

     Once on top of the stand lie as flat as possible.

     Retarded laws of physics tells us that if you lie down very flat for long enough you'll
     fall through whatever your lying on. Once you fall through start beating the stand
     owner to death with your shoe.

     Make sure your special friends are standing by. Hand them the cheese.

     Get out of there ASAP. Move to Mexico with the cheese after killing the special kids
     and making it look like they where playing with a pneumatic drill because they're so
     special.

     Happy Cheesing.

Tips

* Psychotic mind is a plus.

* Passive mind is a negative.

* Enjoy rough sex with hitchhikers. Nothing to do with cheese, just plain fun though.

* Wear a mask.

* Buy a hat with someone else's name on it.

Warnings

* If you're lactose intolerant this may not be for you.

* Don't wear an extra small thong.

* Or do, whatever…


Article added: 28 April 2008


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Disguise yourself as
a package and
run like hell.


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