Editor's Note: Sorting your socks? Find those elusive missing ones first! Then read on and ponder exactly where the sock sorting tips are...

How to Sort Your Socks

There is a no stronger relationship than between a man and his trusty socks.
We will teach you how to care for these gentle creatures.


1. Go have a life, no one's concerned about your sock organizing habits.

2. Just kidding, everyone is. There is nothing in the world more interesting and a tidy sock drawer is vital to success.

3. It will give you peace of mind and help keep that best foot you put forward warm and toasty like a vegetarian pig in a blanket.

4. It will not cause you to wake up in the morning feeling like P Diddy. But it will give you an undeniable sense of accomplishment.

5. Wearing some snazzy socks can completely alter your mental perception of the day. Like when i wear my penguin socks, I feel fierce. However, proper sock choice will not cast a protective charm about your foot and can do nothing to stop you from falling into that manhole on Main Street.

6. For example, as of now I am wearing my Scar socks. No this does not dictate that I have killed Mufasa nor am I a lion. But I am in fact a very calm and serene person and I feel that the cool blue tones reflect my laid back personality.

7. At this point you are probably jumping up and down in your desk chair, waiting to hear how we can change your perception of life by redefining your sock drawer. Don't deny your excitement. Its natural to enjoy warm fuzziness surrounding your foot on cold days. Socks were there for you when the tree fell and smushed your grandmother, socks were there for you when your favorite house plant fell out the window and took out a construction worker seven stories below. Socks are there for you through the good and the bad. Like a best friend, a silent partner that doesn't demand food or walks. It only wants you. Your foot.

8. But now that you have learned all of the beautiful joy these knitted vases for your foot can bring you, we must talk about protection. I know you may be thinking "I don't need protection." You are most indefinitely wrong.

9. Be sure to slather your socks with Vaseline before you attempt leaving the house. It is comforting and since the beginning of time been a sign of love and passion to your socks. And the more your socks love you, the better your day will be.

Now since we have thoroughly discussed the merits of having a good relationship with your socks, we are now moving on to the feature presentation.

10. Ask not what your socks can do for you, but what you can do for your socks. Firstly, give them a good, fresh wintermint-scented home. Cedar is fine also, socks thrive in those minty, clean smelling environments. Avoid all flowery and musky environments. These are poisonous to the Sochi sockimmus, so beware. And neither one of us want socks dropping dead all over the place, so take my word for it. Give them ample space. They enjoy free range to roam and frolic with ones of their own kind. You must also have a dedicated sock drawer. You should not expect socks to rub shoulders with underwear or lingerie. That's just sick.

11. Once you have your Sock drawer framework done, it's time to start thinking about interior decorating. Most socks generally prefer a paisley print lining. Any other color except green will do. Green reminds them of their difficult childhood, and they will continue to share with you their tales of sock father abuse. It is a terrible story and you do not want to hear it. It is a lie. Your socks are lying to you. They had no father. They were adopted. Also be sure to massage your socks thoroughly before you fold them in a dodecahedron and lay them in their little sock beds. This will be sure to fill their dreams with gelled soles and heated shoes.

2. Socks struggle to live on, and its the least we can do to make their journey through life a little easier. A ghastly cruelty is committed nearly everyday across the globe. It is the mass genocide of socks caused by harsh laundering in the dryer. How can we live with ourselves when we abuse the ones we love? Pop in a softener dryer sheet for Pete's sake! Have a little heart. Remember the rough times socks have endured at the foot of their masters, and how they selflessly continue to serve us. But most of all, never allow green socks to room with the others. That's like putting a pack of cigarettes in the hand of someone who lost a brother to lung cancer. It's wrong. It may cause them to suffer from migraines and nightmares of high friction shoes and unmended holes through their hearts ripped open by a brutal cheese grater. Look out for your sock's mental health and they will serve you until the day they fray.


*Two words. Colors-saving bleach.

Article added: 07 May 2010

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Just can't find
the socks.

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