Editor's Note: Here is another article which shows kids are not all that busy in school these days, and have plenty of time to think up ways not to be bored. The many public education critics out there will lament and many of these funny wiki articles are probably written during classtime.

How to Sneeze, Eat a Meal, Talk on the Phone and Pay Attention in Class at the Same Time

Eating a meal, sneezing and talking on the phone and paying attention in class don't seem to mix, right? WRONG!


1. Understand the benefits of this amazing task. Also, understand that this is going to be your favorite hobby after you try it even once. It's like an addiction — to eating, sneezing, talking on the phone, and paying attention in class. You will want to do it all of the time — but remember that you don't want to overdo it, right? Yea, you really don't want to overdo it.

2. Know the risks. Eating, sneezing, talking on the phone, and paying attention in class all at the same time isn't for everyone, you know. In some people, it is known to cause insanity. Do not attempt if you are part sponge, part otter, an autistic goldfish, or teething at age 19. If you attempt this hobby while going through or being any of the above things, you will be putting yourself at high risk for insanity. Although this is a very exciting and rewarding hobby, it really isn't worth risking your mental health over, because in the end, what is really more important? An amazingly awesome hobby, which could eventually lead to a career, or simply living life with a fully-functional brain? Well, you can answer that one for yourself. There is no wrong answer, though, so just be aware of that.

3. Master eating. This is really not all that complicated. A monkey could do this, so hopefully you can too! Every living creature eats, even you. As long as you understand the true statement that you are able to eat food, you have mastered the art of eating food. Even if you are simply sucking the nutrients out of the oxygen we are sucking, you can eat!

4. Master sneezing. This again, is a normal bodily function and yes, even a monkey could sneeze. My cat sneezes, and in fact, so does just about any animal has been known to sneeze sometimes. Just go and sniff a flower, I said sniff not huff, or snort, so just keep that in mind, because snorting and huffing is not cool. It has to be something that makes you sneeze, but not like a permanent marker, or white out (must have ID to buy now) or gasoline. How about something harmless like a flower, or grass? Come on now, let's not get ourselves killed over something quite so stupid.

5. Master the phone! Okay, come on people! We live in the year 2008 (Right?) so you have to have called and talked on the phone some time in your life. If not, simply:

Dial a Number. This can be any random number, or it can be a friend's number, just don't, for the love of god, call 911 just to have a chat, unless you are an idiot.

Talk. Go ahead and really have an engaging conversation with the person, almost as if they are right in the room with you! Say things like : Hi, what are you doing, oh yeah, that's nice, do you want to steal some cheese later today, yeah I played a little grand theft marble today and stole some marbles, how about you?

6. Master paying attention in class. This is probably the only complicated thing in this pathetic wiki. It is hard to do, because the class that you are in is likely only going to teach you very boring, and useless information that you are never to use outside of class anyway. So, if you would like, go ahead and just pretend to be paying attention in class.

7. Put it together. Don't be afraid! Just go! Do it! Go ahead and eat, sneeze, talk on the phone, and pay attention in class all at the same time. You can totally do it! GO!

* Try to add something like playing golf too!


* See the section Know your risks above.

Article added: 05 December 2008

wikiHowl collects funny how-to articles deleted from wikiHow.com, and brings them to you when you are looking for a laugh. wikiHow's content is shared under a Creative Commons license; with author credits for these silly or bizarre how-to's available via wikiHow's Deletion Log.

Reach for a tissue or
the hand of a friend,
or both at once!

Bookmark and Share