Editor's Note: Has this writer been disappointed in more than a few highly overrated restaurants?

How to Slay a Restaurant

Most people are satisfied with mediocrity. If you are not one of these people, you may find it hard to enjoy yourself at various establishments that deserve less to be in business than President Obama. These instructions will help you become an excellent Restaurant Slayer.


1. Find your target. Read food columns or your local food magazine. Become very excited about some restaurant receiving rave reviews. Tell yourself this could finally be the one.

2. Invite fellow Restaurant Slayers to eat with you. Tell them you read a great review in a magazine. Tell them it is not expensive, even though it always is.

3. Call to make a reservation. You'll soon realize that they do not take reservations or they are out of them. Second guess your impending visit since the hostess is so rude.

4. Arrive at the restaurant and look for parking. The restaurant most likely will not have a valet—you will have to park near homeless people. If the restaurant has valet parking, be prepared to pay upwards of $5.

5. Let the hostess know you've arrived. Regardless of reservation status, be prepared to wait longer then you expected. Typically, the hostess will blame your wait on a "crazy night." Don't be fooled—they are simply understaffed, untrained, and inconsiderate. Imagine the chef sitting in the kitchen eating a giant turkey leg as you starve at the bar.

6. Order a martini knowing that no one can make the least complex drink of all time. Return it while frowning. Experience the bar tender argue with you. Pay for the martini you didn't drink.

7. Time to be seated. Mention to the hostess you had to pay for the urine you didn't drink. Experience no empathy whatsoever.

8. Sit down at a table still wet from water used to clean off the backwash from previous patrons. Move your fork and knife out of the saliva-bleach-water and place on a plate you do not plan on using.

9. Look for typos on the menu. The most important typos are misspellings of words foreign to the restaurant owner. Note them to your fellow Slayers. Have a good laugh.

10. Wait for the waiter to finally get her butt over here to take a drink order.

11. Keep waiting for drinks.

12. Swish your saliva around in your mouth to quench your first.

13. After you have completed a formal detox program, flag your waitress down. She will ask if you need anything. Pause for a long time, then say, "drinks." Rather than apologize and offer you a lap dance, she will take your order very quickly. Expect nothing to arrive correctly.

14. Encourage all the Slayers to stop talking and read the menu quickly so you can order as soon as your drinks come. There are two possible results: (a) Drinks will take so long to come that you will forget what you wanted and order the wrong thing; (b) the waitress will not be "ready" to take your epic of an order so you will have to wait longer than if you weren't ready.

15. Bark orders at the waitress. Make sure you slightly change all points of the menu items. That way, there is no way a large kitchen can get everything right.

16. Wait for your food.

17. Run out of bread and wait longer.

18. Revert to utilizing fat-storage.

19. Receive your food, processed incorrectly and lukewarm. Decide that you will eat it anyway.

20. The waitress will watch your table and wait for what she judges to be the most important word you will ever say. The second this word stars forming, she will burst in and ask you if everything is ok. Let her know it is not good. Explain why. The waitress will attempt to argue with you. Ask for her manager.

21. The manager will come over primed to argue. Explain to her why your meal is completely incorrect. In very rare situation she will apologize. In all situations, nothing will actually be done about the problem.

22. Finish your gruel and ask for your check. If you want it to be split, they either will not do it or act like you have just asked them to run a marathon. Studies show that waiters will incorrectly split the bill 99% of the time.

23. Receive your bill, but do not read the number above the 'tip' line. It is irrelevant. Mark the tip line with any of the following: 0, jew star, sad face, or small penis. Show all your friends.

24. Leave. Remark to all of your friends about how terrible the restaurant was. Think to yourself how you knew this would happen. Look at your checking account. Note that because of that meal you now will have to eat protein bars until Friday when you get paid.


* It is okay if you already know that all food critiques are paid for by the restaurant and are therefore contaminated—pretend you are oblivious to this fact.

* After sitting down at your table, you may inspect your flatware for dried-on food. If you find any, thrown it on the floor as to make a scene.

* Some Slayers like to order in an extremely disjointed manner to further rile up others.

* It is best to linger in an establishment after giving a non-monetary tip. Occasionally you may run into some amazing entertainment such as your friends attempting to fight ghetto bouncers after being cut off and refusing to leave.

* Occasionally, a terrible restaurant may burn down. Make sure you tell the world how happy this makes you.

Article added: 18 December 2010

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