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How to Silence a Potato

Potatoes are very loud vegetables. However, their screams are too high-pitched for humans to hear. So, what's the problem with unhappy potatoes making a racket we can't even hear? Well, you may not hear them, but your pets sure can. And, they aren't happy about it. What should I do to make them shut up? You may be asking. Potatoes are very emotional. You need to keep them in a stable environment, where they can relax and chill before they get made into french fries. So, I will explain how to keep your potatoes nice and happy before their big day, when they get made into something edible.


* One russet potato

* 7 drops blood

* 5 oz. stupidity


1. Potatoes hate the water! Keep them dry.

2. Don't let them get too hot. They enjoy the cold, but they despise heat.

3. Don't let their skin dry out too much. Rub the skin in vegetable oil to keep it nice and soft.

4. Never read arithmetic to them. Like I mentioned before, they are very emotional, and their brains are fragile. They cannot handle all the numbers.

5. Potatoes are very cuddly. They enjoy your touch, and frankly, they require it to survive. Be sure to hug, kiss, and snuggle your little future tater tot every day.

6. You must brush, milk, and massage your potato twice a week.

7. Yes, I did say massage. Shiatsu is best.

8. Potatoes require daily exercise. Most of them enjoy table tennis as their favorite sport. Teach them to lean if they can't do much else.

9. Potatoes hate hygiene, however, they must smell good, or guests will not enjoy visiting your house. I recommend aerosol spray-can air fresheners. Although they don't like cleanliness, they actually enjoy all the different smells.

10. For your potato to be truly happy, you will have to perform a short ritual. Fold a soft white towel and place it on a tile floor, then set your potato on the towel. Get a sharp knife, and prick your index finger. Let exactly seven drops of your blood drip around the potato in a circle. This brings a great amount of joy to your potato.

11. For your potato to be as happy as can possibly be, invest in a guillotine.

12. Place your head in the guillotine and have a close friend pull the lever.


* The previous procedures mentioned may or may not cause slight discomfort.

 Things You'll Need

* A sharp kitchen knife

* A guillotine

* Air freshener

* Vegetable oil, for silky smooth skin

* The will to sacrifice blood, sweat, and tears for your potato

* Love

Article added: 18 April 2008

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