Editor's Note: Here we go from a treatise about just how insignificant we all are, straight to a sophisticated potty humor vehicle. No pun intended.

How to Search for Meaning in Your Life During Winter

Winter is hard on everyone. It's cold outside, you don't feel like shoveling the driveway, work was a nightmare today, your girlfriend/boyfriend/spouse doesn't pay enough attention to you, and above all you realize that your life is absolutely insignificant. You start thinking that given the world's current population, and the increasing homogeneity of modern society, it is likely there are several people that have roughly the same combination of interests, mannerisms, quirks, habits and beliefs as you.
In other words, you're not special. What's more, sometime between now and the heat death of the universe, entropy will be so high that all evidence of your existence will be gone. Whether you invented the printing press, crossed the Rubicon, or invaded Poland, not a single atom will care. How does one redeem one's life in spite of all this meaninglessness? Follow the steps below to instill value in life in a cold, uncompromising, and utterly indifferent world.

 Steps

1. Stock up on asparagus and toilet paper. For the asparagus, fresh is best, but canned and frozen will do just fine. Cream of asparagus soup is a possible substitute, but a poor one at best. Two-ply toilet paper is recommended.

2. Buy a cheap 3 litre jug of wine from the liquor store (If you are underage, get a parent, older sibling, or a pedophile you met on the World Wide Web to buy it for you). Drink all the wine and save the bottle. If you can't finish it all in one night, drink the rest of it in the morning. Do not vomit, as you will need the wine's dehydrating effect later on.

3. Taking care not to drink too many fluids, begin living exclusively on asparagus. If the thirst becomes unbearable, make an asparagus stock and then drink that.

4. When you are dehydrated enough your urine will be a dark yellow and will burn slightly. At this point, begin saving your urine in the jug. After the jug is full, let it mature in a warm place for a couple days. By the time you fill the jug you will certainly be sober again. Alleviate this intolerable pain by having some beers.

5. Wait for a very cold night. It must be well below freezing.

6. Scope out a car that somebody has to drive the next day. For example: your rude neighbour's car, your boss' car, or even the car of somebody you like. Remember, nothing matters anyway so there is no need to worry about morality here.

7. In the middle of the night, cover the car in toilet paper, especially around the doors and windshield. Then pour the saved urine all over the toilet paper. This works best if done in stages, i.e. pour a little bit at a time and let it freeze before pouring the next coat.

8. Stay up and wait for the owner of the car to discover that they cannot get into their car due to a kevlar-like ice cast around it that smells overwhelmingly foul. They will try to scrape, chip and cut the ice-cast, but even when they are exhausted and covered in your stale urine, they will still not be able to get into their car.

9. Congratulations! Now you understand that your life was worthwhile! Now quit your job, get addicted to painkillers and write a poem.

 Tips

* If you pick younger and hence smaller asparagus stalks, they will contain a higher concentration of aromatic compounds.

* The experience is much more poignant if the owner of the car needs to drive to something very important such as a final examination, a job interview or their mother's funeral.

* To make a good asparagus stock, start with cold water, just enough to cover the asparagus, and slowly raise the temperature. Allow to simmer rather than boil or else the stock will be cloudy.

 Warnings

* It is important not to use the urine you expel while you are very drunk, because it contains an appreciable amount of alcohol, and you will have difficulty getting it to freeze later on.

* It is probably best to watch from an inconspicuous position, for safety reasons.

* Avoid telling people what you are doing. They may think you are going insane. You certainly are, but they don't need to know that, for they may interfere with your project.


Article added: 11 October 2008


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Stock up on
asparagus and
toilet paper.


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