Editor's Note: Staying alive can sometimes be a little simpler than this tongue-in-cheek how-to guide would lead us to believe.

How to Remain in Existence

It is becoming an increasingly common fear that you, as a physical being, will suddenly cease to exist.

 Steps

1. Try to avoid items and/or objects that are more reactive than yourself. Close proximity to these can cause some of your beloved base elements to jump ship to this reactive item/object. Such objects include; NSD Powerballs, the starship Heart of Gold and Chuck Norris.

2. Befriend your electrons, try to maintain a healthy relationship with them. If you fall out with them they may leave. This will cause you to become very positively charged. This will have the consequence that positively charged items/objects/people will bind with you, which  will dilute you and your grip on existence.

3. Try to avoid nuclear fallout.

4. Spend at least five minutes each day concentrating on your atoms. Keep them close to you and maintain the attraction between them and yourself as a whole. If they start to move apart you could drift into a gaseous state thus cutting short your existence.

5. Eat plenty of red meat.

6. Maintain a cool temperature; if you get too warm your molecules could gain enough energy to break free from your collective body and you could evaporate.

7. Do not look into the Lost Ark.

 
Tips

* When befriending your electrons try to remember all of their names and do consider cue cards. Remember they all know your name.

* Be alert, not only because your country needs lerts, also because nuclear fallout has taken to hiding in bins ready to leap out when you least expect it.

* Bison provide an excellent source of red meat.

 Warnings

* Constant concentration on your molecules can lead to social nonexistence.
If you insult (even accidentally) your electrons,  they will most likely leave. Remember; they have never insulted you.

* Bison A.K.A. the perfectly normal beasts can carry you into other dimensions. They also have sharp horns.


Article added: 23 June 2008


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Shrinking away to
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