Editor's Note: Velociraptor feathers, velociraptor pictures, velociraptor habitat….. immensely interesting stuff, but what we really need in life is an article about how to attack one of these beasts running towards us at Velociraptor Top Speed so we can have a ginormous dinosaur barbeque! But seriously folks, can we blame wikiHow for sending this to the oblivion of imaginationland?
How to Prepare for the Raptor Apocalypse
We all know it, the raptors are coming. Denying it will only solidify your position as raptor food in the coming years. It's only a matter of time before some drunken and/or insane geneticist thinks it's a brilliant idea to recreate living raptors from some DNA he found lying around in his basement. So why not be prepared?
1. Take the imminent raptor apocalypse very seriously. This is the first, and most important step to preparing for, and hopefully surviving, the raptor apocalpyse.
2. Buy a (or several) raptor alarm(s) from your local hardware store. The higher pitched the screeching alarm is the better.
3. Schedule daily (hourly) raptor drills for you and family. The middle of the night is ideal, you want to be sure that your family is prepared. Of course, scheduling them at random times throughout the day is also an excellent idea.
4. Plan out escape routes in advance. Know the optimal way to run in every possible situation. Things to consider when planning your escape routes include:
Time spent outside.
Other travelers on your route. How fast do they run? Are they easy to trip? Obviously the ideal path has a fair, but not overly heavy traffic of slow runners. Children are ideal.
Obstacles. Keep in mind that most obstacles impair you far more than they impair the raptors.
*Remember, if anyone is skeptical, or calls you crazy, or resents the raptor drills, they're probably ideal raptor bait. They'll understand. Tripping someone with a raptor on your tail could give you that extra edge you need to survive.
*Do the math ahead of time. For example, imagine you are at the center of a 20m equilateral triangle with a raptor at each corner. The top raptor is wounded and limited to a top speed of 10m/s. Given that raptors accelerate at 6m/s^2, and a healthy raptor has a maximum speed of 20m/s, what angle should you run at in order to maximize your time alive? Experimental evidence suggests that doing math while being hunted by a pack of hungry velociraptors is less than optimal.
*Remember, raptors do not know fear.
*In case of a roboraptor apocalypse, you should be sure to keep around an EMP emitter of some form or another. These handy devices will fry the electronics in a roboraptor, giving you a few minutes to run away while its death-beam emitters reactivate and recharge.
*Do not get attached to other human beings. Attachment will play a crucial role when it comes time to trip your friends and family in order to provide bait for raptors you definitely don't want to deal with on your own.
*You should be aware that, while a raptor apocalypse is a good thing to prepare for, you shouldn't stop thinking of how a raptor apocalypse could possibly get any worse. For instance, what if the raptors became meshed with the machines of man, becoming roboraptors with death-beam emitters in their eyes? You should do your best to prepare for these contingencies. See tips for additional help on this particular apocalyptic vision.
*Locked doors are not an effective defence. Just because you have locked your doors, does not mean you do not still need to run 5AM drills for the apocalypse. Raptors will simply break down your door and then you now will have to deal with both raptors and a broken door.
See also: How to protect yourself from Unicorns, from all kinds of Bears, and from the occasional outbreak of Zombies.
Article added 25 January 2008
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Know how to deal with raptors and turn that frown upside down.