Editor's Note: It all boils down to the appropriate accompaniments for your curry dish, dear.

How to Prove You Are British

Being British is something we can all be proud of and hold over others, especially those Colonial types.


1. You simply must invest in a high quality complete discography of The Beatles. Being British and not liking The Beatles is like being Tasmanian and not liking your sibling.

2. Curry, whilst able to be consumed any night of the week, particularly after 3am, should always be accompanied by chips and should mainly be Chicken Tikka Masala rather than something authentically Indian. Of course, it should always be served by someone who IS authentically Indian, but only second generation English or so.

3. Under no circumstances must the number of teeth currently residing in your mouth be over thirty. Ideally the total should be somewhere between 15-20, and none should be touching each other or of a similar hue.

4. Direct sunlight is something that should only be encountered twice in ones' lifetime - initially by women aged 18-25 and then again in the 50-65 year age bracket. But both times it should result in skin colour normally only seen in cooked lobsters and both times it should be in Greece.

5. Tea fulfills such an important role that not only does it refer to the drink created by immersing leaves in scalding water, but also to the evening meal. Thus maximising the number of times you're able to say tea in any given day.

6. Television programs should be limited to only what is broadcast on BBC, with the exception of 'Friends'. 'Friends' should be watched repeatedly - especially whilst on holidays in the Far East.

7. Tabloids should be treated as gospel whilst publicly being ridiculed as rubbish. After all, the Earth revolves around The Sun.

8. The Irish should be completely disregarded until one is in a foreign country, in which case the Irish theme pub should be visited immediately before running into the local culture, UNLESS said location has an English theme pub.

9. A Mac(k) is a raincoat, not a computer. Conversely however, a Mackintosh can be either.

10. When travelling internationally one must always remember that whilst many destinations may have borrowed heavily from the British culture none will be entirely adequate. A fact that should be remarked upon loudly and repeatedly - especially when in the company of the natives.

Article added: 07 March 2011

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If you don't drink tea,
you can forget it.

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