Editor's Note: We came across this one in the Sarcasm section!
How to Not Get over a Break UpThis article is designed to help you avoid the pitfalls of trying to get over a break up. Take it from me, THE ULTIMATE BREAK UP GIRL, I do know what I am talking about.
1. Admit fault. If you are reading this, you probably didn't initiate the break up. You will fillet your history, every word, every gesture, every bad haircut, every sex act, every scene that could have possibly led to why he or she left you. Guess what? It wasn't your fault. You didn't do anything but be your own special beautiful self. It's their fault. They are the ones who need the therapy, not you. Trust me on this one.
2. Resort to alcohol or drugs to make you feel better. I know it is tempting and you may disregard this step on a number of occasions. You'll only depress your system more, however, and possibly face legal ramifications for your break up. This will only result in more depression, more money spent on legal fees and therapy, and ultimately, you'll blame yourself for it all when in actuality, it truly is his or her fault that you became a crackhead. I mean, would you have resorted to a DUI conviction or an overdose if he or she wasn't the one who started it? Of course not. So just stay as clean and sober as possible and you'll be much better for it.
3. Buy those self help books. I read them all, and all they did was make me feel like it was my fault (refer to step number one) and allowed me to wallow in it for longer than I needed to. Now I've got an Amazon.com bill that rivals my therapy bill and lemme tell ya: I could use a little extra cash right now.
4. Talk to happily married friends about your break up. They have no idea how to relate to your problem. Sure, they've been dumped before, but that was years ago. And besides, you don't want to be around their perfect house, kids, dog, and spouses while you cry at their perfect kitchen table. Find some desperately single friends to talk to about it. Chances are, they've been dumped recently also and know just how you feel RIGHT NOW. Married friends have to rely on memory and we all know how fast that goes as we age.
5. Sign on to ANY of those online dating sites. Crimeny. Those sites will just make you FEEL available when emotionally, you really aren't. Plus, a lot of those weirdos (I'm just sayin'…) are probably recently dumped folk themselves, and have just as low self-esteem as you do. What you are looking for is someone with their ducks in a row. Believe me, you aren't going to find them on those sites. And if you ask me, any site that matches me using a logarithm to conjure chemistry and the magic of attraction or love is questionable at best and will only add to your break up bill.
6. Eat more/Starve yourself. Remain the same healthy, beautiful person you were when the hex picked you up as a partner.
7. Listen to break up songs or songs about love. Someone call 911 on me/for me right now! Are you kidding? I might need to call YOUR local police department for a welfare check on YOU if commit #7! What the heck are you thinking? Let me put it to you this way: You know that version (Nat King Cole comes to mind) of Our Love is Here to Stay? Here's a snippet of the lyrics…"In time the Rockies may crumble, Gibraltar may tumble/They're only made of clay/But our love is here to stay" Lies. All of it. Look on GoogleMap. The Rockies are still there. Gibraltar is a big freaking rock. It ain't going nowhere and still stands the last time I Googled it. His/her love took off, crumbled into the sea as if it was discarded material from a potter's wheel! Where is this love now? This song is a LIE! Don't listen to this one especially.
You don't need to listen to any of those songs. And as to the Bee Gees - How Do You Mend A Broken Heart?, I say behavior modification methods work well. Put a rubber band around your wrist. Every time you think of your hex, snap it and cause yourself pain. You'll quit thinking about him/her in no time and the only thing you'll need to heal is your wrist!
8. Watch romantic comedies. You fill in the blank advice from me here. And if you still can't figure out why you shouldn't do it, buy stock in Kleenex ASAP. You'll see those stocks split in NO TIME and you can sell 'em and that will help pay off your Amazon.com/therapy bills.
9. Stalk them on Myspace or Facebook. Oh, that's a good move. NOT. If you find yourself doing this, buy more stock in Kleenex (or possibly Zoloft) and get that debt paid off even faster!
10. Change. Okay. Some things you should. Let's face it. We do have to own some of our failings and defects. This should be a great time to do inventory on what makes you a jerk or a nag. But seriously, that old adage "Don't change, man, don't you ever change" should be a mantra that we repeat over and over in our heads until we remember that we are beautiful, awesome souls that some other jerk or nag couldn't understand/appreciate. They are the ones at fault, remember, and if anyone should change, it's them.
11. Go back to him/her when he/she begs/emails/texts/drunk dials/what have you. What, and repeat this disaster AGAIN? You'd be better off buying a roll of ride tickets from your local carnie. I say this because the probability is high that you'll be riding this same nightmare ride in the future, so stock up on those tickets and barf bags. Break ups don't have a height requirement and most carnies can't pass a drug test anyway, so I wouldn't trust them with my body, let alone my heart.
12. Find another jerk/nag just like him/her. You know that roll of ride tickets I told you to buy to give to those stoned carnies? Get ready to cash some in because you are going to find yourself standing in the same line for the same disaster you had before. You've made it through this wikiHow article so far, why not go the distance and step out of line and get in the one that sells those awesome caramel apples? It will taste a lot better than going through this shit again!
* These are my tips for How NOT to get over a break up. Go ahead. Don't take my advice. Don't read this article. Spit on me. I don't care. I've already felt every humiliation in the book due to my break up.
* Please remember my ultimate tip: It's not YOUR fault; It's the HEX's. Sooner or later he/she will figure out what they've lost and they will wind up with someone MUCH LESS beautiful, talented, creative, smart,and caring as you. THEY will pay the price, NOT YOU. Your price: ie. grief, loss, depression, Amazon.com/therapy bills is only temporary. He/She will end up with some unwanted live-in situation/baby/divorce (because leopards don't change spots and eventually the hex's significant other will find out what a jerk/nag he/she is and will dump him/her). You will be able to find a most certain smug satisfaction that YOUR NAME isn't listed WITH HIS/HERS in the public records section of the newspaper and that will make you feel superior.
* In addition, you will be able to find a Mr./Miss RIGHT that is as wonderful, beautiful, talented, creative, smart, and caring as you are. And if they aren't, YOU WILL HAVE THE POWER to be the DUMPER! Give them a link to this article (if you have a compassionate bone in your body) and MOVE ON! There is, after all, no one like you and you DESERVE only THE BEST!
Good luck, I hope this reverse psychology helps you.
* I'll give you a great tip, however, and that is to subscribe ASAP to this site:
www.soyouvebeendumped.com Awesome dumpsters there that will give you great advice as well, plus, you can really really VENT.
Article added: 12 December 2008
wikiHowl collects funny how-to articles deleted from wikiHow.com, and brings them to you when you are looking for a laugh. wikiHow's content is shared under a Creative Commons license; with author credits for these silly or bizarre how-to's available via wikiHow's Deletion Log.
You can't eat your
way out of a bad