Editor's Note: We have no idea why you would want to memorialize yourself with a collectible nodder, but just in case you are feeling a bit narcissistic, here you go!

How to Make a Custom Bobblehead of Yourself

If you like bobbleheads, and you wish to manifest your own likeness in the form of a professional looking bobblehead, READ THIS PAGE. This is not a request.

 Steps

1. Venture into a forest. You may engage in the use of an automobile if a forest is not readily available in your household, but I would not advise you to drive your vehicle INTO THE FOREST. Many different types of trees have tendencies to grow close together, and you would not want to risk fracturing your car. Consider this a WARNING!!! (Additionally, if you live on a beet farm, you may want to utilize the forest that is near the beet farm).

2. Single out a tree in this forest that seems like a suitable candidate. This tree must be neither too thick, nor too scrawny. I would recommend a tree about 6" in diameter at the main trunk. This must be an indiginous tree, not an evergreen, which are too sappy. Also, don't pick a beech tree, for God's sake. Really, you think you'll be able to carve a recognizable shape out of beech wood? Who do you think you are, some kind of idiot or something? God! I'm really trying to honestly teach you a skill, for your own benefit, and you actually might have by some possibility really truly have considered a tree with wood as hard as the beech? I am trying to help you, okay? Refer ten people to this webpage or you will receive a hernia. In the mail. On a Sunday.

3. CUT DOWN THIS TREE. You may use an axe, if you wish, as I have found some peoples finger nails are not as suitable for this kind of extreme work as mine are. My fingernails… are like a Mongrorian Bet-Fongroller's claws. That's from Battlestar Gallactica. If you don't watch that show, SELL YOUR COMPUTER, as you are obviously incapable of functioning in modern society. Also, yell "Timber!", just in case there are any small children in the vicinity that you may not have noticed. You would not want them to be crushed by the large mass of wood making its way down to the ground at a velocity of up to 30 mph. That would inevitably lead to a lawsuit, a business suit… a birthday suit, which you will be wearing into the co-ed showers at prison. Don't drop the soap!

4. Use your resources to chop the tree into individual 2' lengths of trunk. Pick whichever one you like the best, and leave the forest with it. Leave the rest of the wood lying there. It will help, should you ever need emergency fire wood. If you happen upon a swamp or marsh of any kind, STEER CLEAR, in case of sirens.

5. Once you have returned to your home, get your hacksaw, assuming you have one. If you don't, you are in more danger than I can possibly help you with. Using this hacksaw, cut your log into a 9" tall, phallic, chess pawn-type shape. Sever the top section, which shall serve as the head, from the rest of the wood. When you are finished with the hacksaw, your head should be about 3" in diameter (No, the wooden head, stupid), the rest about 2" (If you are morbidly obese, you may want to consider leaving more wood.)

6. Now, fashion these two separate pieces into the shapes of your head and body (Clothing optional). The face will inevitably be the hardest part of the carving process as it is very concise. Ruin it and it will not look like you at all. Keep a photograph of yourself handy to keep referring back to. Pay special attention to areas like the nose, mouth, ear placement, eye placement, eye shape, cheeks, chin, hair, and the overall shape of the face. If you wear eyeglasses for corrective vision, these can be fashioned out of paperclips later.

7. Well, if you made it this far, maybe you weren't a total idiot after all. Or, maybe you are still a total idiot, and you are reading all of the steps before you conduct a single one of them, in which case you almost certainly are an idiot. Paint both the body and the head of your now-recognizable trinket in the appropriate colors using acrylics. Take care now, because if you don't you're stupid.

8. No Step Eight.

9. The time has come for you to learn why a bobblehead is called what they call it. If you are truly a master of the art of bobblehead making, perhaps you should go into the business. They have a business… Right? I'm sure a lot of you are saying, hey, you're an obvious expert, with limitless skill, talent, and giftedness. Why aren't you in the business? Well, friends, I work at a mid-range paper company, and I love my job. Back on topic. Hollow out the neck area of your bobbling head, until you reach approximately the exact center of the head. I don't care how you do that, just don't break your head.

10. Next, drill a hole into the throat of the body, just wide enough to glue a 5 mm diameter dowel into it. Make sure the dowel doesn't stick out more than half of the height of the head. If it does, fix that.

11. Now, place a fat glob of rubber cement upon the tip of the dowel, so as to secure the head to the rest of the body, while still allowing the bobbling function for which it is so named.

11. Taking the body and the head, thrust the shaft into the hole (that's what she said), and let it dry. When it is dried you will have a professional looking bobble head. Put it somewhere that people will see it, so as to intimidate your subordinates. Don't do what my boss, Scott Michaels, whose name has been changed to protect the innocent did, and dip it in an alcoholic beverage. This will ruin the paint job and I will be up all night trying to fix it again.

 Things You'll Need

* If you're good enough, you won't need anything.


Article added: 17 April 2009


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