Editor's Note: Gym class heroes, this how-to article was not written for. This guide was probably thought to have been helpful to the rest of us, who may from time to time, experience frustration with the hilarious(?) predicament of forceable public nudity.
How to Shower in the Locker Rooms
It sure feels great to get in a good workout about two or three times a year at the gym you pay monthly for. Unfortunately, body odor usually takes a toll and the inevitable public shower is in dire need of assessment. If you are like myself and secretly struggle with the idea of being exposed to a vast array of strangers, then follow my simple guide. Have no fear, those awkward and quick downward glances coming from bystanders will soon have no effect on you, resulting in longer, more comfortable showers.
1. ALWAYS HAVE FOOTWEAR. Whether it be those hideous colorful rubber clogs or saran wrapping the bottoms of your feet, you always need to be hygienically concerned. You never know who…or what…has been lurking around your shower area.
2. REMOVE SWEATY, RAUNCHY CLOTHING. Its been proven that you get 79% cleaner when you shower without clothes…
3. PREPARE YOURSELF FOR THE WALK OF ALL WALKS. You are wearing your footwear, you have towel in hand, you have a firm grip on your shampoo/bodywash… it's go time, baby! No matter what I tell you to think about, no matter how much you practice, when it comes down to crunch time, you will still feel nervous… just warning you. I want you to be prepared. No matter how much denial you are in, the whole reason you are nervous in the first place is because you are shaken by what others may think. The best method I found to cope with this is the cocky method (no pun intended). You are the man's man, the girl's girl, the whole kit-n-kaboodle. Whatever you are, you know you are the best. If people glance at you, let them glance, they should feel honored to be in the same locker room as somebody as radiant and exhilarating as yourself. Each glorious step you take is one step closer to the shrine that should be named in honor of you. Continue progressing forward until you reach the oasis that holds the crystal clear (or at least somewhat purified) streaming waters.
4. ASSESS YOUR SURROUNDINGS. (no pun intended). You made it. At this point I hope you are at least a smidge more comfortable now that it is guaranteed all of your fellow locker mates are also disrobed. Let them know you mean business. Do not scale the wall as to keep the perfect angle so nobody can snipe your dirties. Make a clean, straight shot to the shower of your choice. If someone tries to get a peep, let them peep.
5. SHOWER AS YOU WOULD AT HOME. The whole point of showering is to get clean. Do the same routine you (hopefully) do daily or bi-daily. I would recommend you pass on the singing as to not attract unwanted attention from bystanding nakeds. Do not try to finish showering in under ten seconds. Quick movements attract the eye, and may result in more glances than if taken slowly.
6. THE DRYING PROCESS. Ahhh… so fresh and so clean. More than half-way done and all easy from here. You have finally finished showering and hopefully have taken a good six to seven minutes. This means there should be (depending on the time) a new shift of witnesses who have not yet had the chance to be dawned by the shadow of your glory. Make your way past these mere mortals towards your towel. It is best to start by drying your hair since you lose visual awareness… just good to get it out of the way. In one fluid motion, drop the towel to your neck and start drying the upper body. A good technique, if still self-conscious, is to dry your upper body with one-half of the towel so as the other half casually drapes over the goods, creating visual obstruction from head on (no pun intended). You need to be careful with the lower body because it involves bending over. Be aware of who or what is behind you. The last thing you want is to permanently scar an innocent child.
7. FREEDOM. Wrap the towel around your body accordingly. Head back to your locker and put on the clothing you have missed so much. You are now clean and fit as can be. The world is no longer in control of your showers… Go get 'em tiger.
* Even though you know how to be a veteran when it comes to taking showers, be aware that there are rookies out there who squirm at their own self appearance. So for their sakes: DON'T STARE.
* It is best to carry as few items as possible while vulnerable to the open air. Last thing you want is to be sprawled out picking up toothpaste and what not.
* This guide is intended for locker room showers only. Ethic may be different when in prison.
Things You'll Need
* Cleanser (soap, shampoo, etc.)
* Open Mind
Article added: 11 April 2008
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