Editor's Note: There are so many Russian spies in schools these days. Such a problem.

How to Know a Kid at Your School Is a Russian Spy

Have you ever wondered if that guy you see across the hallway is a Russian spy? Happens to me all the time! One too many times, if ya ask me. Ever think he's plotting to ruin the friendship between you and your only friends? Do you know someone with the initials KGB? Chances are, they're a Russian spy!!!


* One Russian spy.

* Three inquisitive friends.

* Strong condom.

* Two cans root beer, one can of ugly grape soda.

* Cat mask

* Twelve garbage bags filled with dead babies.

* Homemade guitar case by grandpa. (Very important!!!)

* And one lava lamp.


1. Learn everything about him by stalking him. Try using a matrix to figure out his entire schedule! Trick other students into telling you where he is at all times.

2. Try showing your affection to him, to see if he's true. If he denies, he's obviously a spy. No one can resist your good looks.

3. Does he always seem to be wearing new expensive clothes from overseas? i.e., hats, boots, sweaters. Normal people can't afford those luxuries. I mean c'mon, I've got kids to feed. He is obviously a spy with a large income.

4. Does he often ask you to buy a house? Always answer with this phrase, "We're fifteen…and the housing market is terrible". He is a spy.

5. Is he really smart but takes college prep classes and gets zeroes? Obviously a spy. Spies don't have time for things like school. They've got bigger things on their plate. Like aiding countries, or destroying them.


* Do not fall in love. it will end badly with them saying that they never cared about you, unless they do love you, then just click out this website. You're sniffin' down the wrong trail. You've got a man to have sex with.

* Never make him nasty political satire signs. He will rip them to shreds and laugh manically. I'm not sure about that last part, but it's a possibility, but so is hypothermia.

* Don't be a fool, wrap your fool. (Like a mummy!)

* Never believe him when he says he's hanging out with friends. They are imaginary. He does not have any friends. He uses michael michael motorcycle as a cover.

* Don't let him break up your only friends by luring them away with questions asking them about who they find attractive. (It's really freaking creepy.)


* Do not microwave at high temperatures. Will melt, similar to the wicked witch of the west.

Article added: 17 July 2009

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