Editor's Note: Words to look up before attempting to read this article: Orb, Kenjutsu and NINJITSUKOBESUMAYOSH!!!! Gi is defined for you in the article.
How to Kill a Snake With a Samurai Sword
Got Snakes? Got a 17th century Samurai sword? You're in luck! This article is tailor-made for You!!!!
1. Remember your Aikido and Kenjutsu training and your Bushido code! That snake has NO honor! You on the other hand are just oozing honor and deadliness!
You MUST KILL THAT SNAKE!
2. Remember to draw your katana and strike the snake just behind its ears all in one smooth motion. Someone COULD be watching and you don't want to look like you had to AIM or take practice swings at the little snake! This step should take no more than 0.122 seconds. Time yourself and practice, practice, practice to meet or beat that time.
3. Kick the severed head of the snake away from you and scream NINJITSUKOBESUMAYOSH!!! As loud as you can! The evil spirits infesting the snake's honorless head must not be allowed to climb into your body!!! By kicking the head away you make it harder for the evil spirits to get out and get to you (and they are probably dizzy from the spinning when you kicked their home) AND they are scared SHITLESS by your raw inner Chi power expressed in that primal scream!!!
4. Inspect the dead body of the snake and see if there is anyone around who wants to make a nice snake soup or throw it up on the Hibachi. All that sword swinging and primal screaming drains a Samurai of his vital bodily fluids and you'll need to recharge! Since you are full of honor you are bound and required to share your snake snack bounty with anyone around you… and let's face it after watching you do all this anyone who is still sticking around must be REALLY REALLY hungry or REALLY REALLY unconcerned for their personal safety! Either way, make a friend, share a tasty meal. BUT FOR GOD SAKES DO NOT EAT THE DAMN SNAKE HEAD!!! IT'S FULL OF FRIGGIN' EVIL SPIRITS!!!
5. Sheath your Katana by extending your controlling hand all the way out, and perform the Higogi maneuver where you let the tip of the sword fall and swing down and around at which point you GENTLY catch with your other hand right as it swings to the opening of your saya (Katana Sheath) then ensuring your catching hand is not directly touching the sharpish side of the sword blade, firmly pull the sword in until the tsuba (handguard) clicks fully into place.
6. Straighten your Gi (pajama outfit) so you don't look like you just woke up or were vigorously swinging away at some little snake with your sword…
* Snakes are often in possession of human BABIES. Ensure the snake you are targeting has DROPPED or is not carrying a human BABY before you strike it down!
* Samurai swords CAN be very very sharp. If you use yours to hack automobiles to pieces on a regular basis however yours might not be so sharp and you'll be more like blunt force trauma killing the snake.
* Most western nations treat a katana armed Samurai running around loose with a 3' long sword as a public nuisance (at best). If you see flashing red and blue lights and hear sirens nearby instantly FREEZE and drop your katana to the ground WITHOUT screaming NINJITSUKOBESUMAYOSH!!!! Then obey whatever instructions are given to you EXACTLY as you hear them.
* Did I mention katanas are normally VERY, VERY sharp? Be CAREFUL.
* Snakes are not all alike. Some that carry human Babies do not do it for the cuteness factor… They may have deadly poison that they can inject into you just by making eye contact with them… AVERT YER MEATY ORBS!!!
Things You'll Need
* A deadly snake (babyless for god's sake!!)
* An even deadlier Samurai approved Katana from 17th century Japan! (Newer ones all suck and are made in CHINA!!!)
* A Gi! (you know the pajama outfits!)
Article added: 17 August 2009
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Snake defense will
age you if you lack
the right tools.