Editor's Note: Do not startle your ghost? Isn't that something that usually happens the other way around? Spooky...

How to Keep Your Ghost Happy

Ghosts are fickle creatures, but owning and caring for a ghost can be a rewarding, and pleasant experience. Read these handy tips to ensure your ghost remains pleased and happy.


1. Ghosts love the dark. Your ghost will be most happy when kept in a dark corner, or under the stairs.

2. Try not to startle your ghost with loud noises. Ghosts have extremely sensitive hearing and are particularly troubled by traffic noise and postmen.

3. When introducing your ghost to neighbours and/or close family members and friends, always refer to the ghost as It - referring to it as him or her may remind the ghost of its previous life, causing it to go on a terrifying rampage which could leave many hurt.

4. Ghosts love toast, this is a fact. Try and feed your ghost toast at least four times a day, preferably early in the morning, lunchtime, just after afternoon elevenses and then late at night, probably around the time the ITV news is on - Ghosts love the news. Current events keep them happy.

5. If your ghost gets wet, don't worry. Ghosts are ethereal beings, and so cannot get wet.

6. Love your ghost, but in a non-sexual way. Any sexual advances towards your ghost would most likely be wholly inappropriate and leave you both in a state of shock and confusion, soiling your relationship and leaving communications tense, and strained.

7. Read poetry to your sweet little spectre. Ghosts love poetry and will naturally gravitate towards it. Do not be surprised if local neighbourhood apparitions come floating through the walls during your recital! You could start up a local spiritual poetry group. That would make lots of ghosts happy.

8. Ghosts and electricity don't mix well, unless you have an Electroghost, but these are rare, dangerous and prone to violent mood swings.


* Ghosts are not toys. Do not let children play with ghosts, unless your children are also ghosts. If this is the case, then you, too are probably a ghost, but don't let that worry you. Being a ghost is fun!

 Things You'll Need

* Bread - for making your ghost toast.

* Gloves and hat, for when it's cold outside and you want to go for a walk

* Friends, and other people you can show off your ghost to. "Look, friends!", you'll say, "I have a ghost. Isn't it swell?"

* A wizard cape, for roleplaying.

Article Added: 26 December 2008

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