How to Have a Bowel Movement at a Loved One's Home

You have seen it many times before in hilarious movies and TV shows, but the truth is… toilet humor is no joke! Many of us have been stuck in various private or enclosed areas that have prevented us from using the restroom due to fear and possible humiliation… but there are ways around it. It is time we all learned how to use the bathroom when a loved one is around.

 Steps

1. Relieve your large intestinal pressure - This can be done on the couch, at the dinner table, standing in line, or even lying on your stomach if talented enough. Simply undo the top button of your pants. If you need additional BMPR (bowel movement pressure relief) you may also want to undo your belt or your zipper, BUT absolutely no combination of the two. Performing both BMPRs may result in your pants falling down.

2. Think of the perfect excuse - soon you will need to use the restroom and you're going to need something snappy to say to excuse yourself. But before you go, now is the time to add some unique bonus points. Three favorites are: 1) "Well, its time for me case the place…", 2) "Ya know, I once wrote my name and phone number in the stall of this place. I wonder if its still there." or 3) "Did you smell that? I honestly think that someone just took a shit. Wait… what's that you say? No one has taken a shit in here all day? Well someone needs to do something about that!".

3. Use the excuse - Be polite. First impressions mean everything in today's society and this may be the only chance you get to have a bowel movement in their presence. People can be VERY judgmental.

4. Walk away shaking your head - If it seems like an embarrassing moment, then you definitely want to fit in. Shaking your head as you walk away signifies that you agree to the humility that can be bestowed on a single human being. It can be a gift and a curse.

5. Take your breath (breath + seat) - You need to brace yourself for the challenge ahead, so take a breath and relax.

6. Check for toilet paper first - this is the number one rookie mistake.

7. Keep the noise down - This is without a doubt the most difficult part. The secret here is to utilize the water in the bowl. Sound travels faster in liquids than in air, so it can help muffle the noise. Try to fill the bowl with as much water as possible. If you are using a conventional toilet try to lift the level just slightly to allow water to exit the tank and into the bowl (this is a well hidden secret).

8. Widen the gap - Many people lift a cheek off the seat but spreading them works best. I know what you're thinking… "This is SICK! I don't think he is serious anymore and I've had enough of this sick toilet humor". THIS IS NO JOKE… did you not see the introduction? Take a minute and realize how embarrassing this can be. Do you really want to walk away from this information? There is a good chance that you will have to experience this tragedy once in your life time.

9. Squeeze something - NOT YOUR ABDOMINAL MUSCLES but a bar, a roll of toilet paper,  a newspaper, the door handle, or your legs. This will take your mind off the embarrassment and allow your body to relax without causing you to make any grunts or moans.

10. Flush - Don't worry everyone has to flush the toilet not matter who they are. Don't be embarrassed about the flush! It signifies your accomplishment and you need to accept it with pride and dignity to help you return to your loved one.

11. Return with a snappy, yet serious, comment - Don't let them get the best of you, right now you're vulnerable to small pity comments from people who have little respect for what you have just completed. You need something snappy and powerful to remind them who you are and to put them in the place and prevent humiliation. To help here are the top three: 1) I broke your scale (good for homes), 2)Yeah, my name and phone number is still there alright… right next to yours NOW (good for public places), and 3) Damn, I got my shoe all f#cking wet (good for home or restaurant).

 Tips

1. Relax

2. Exhale

3. WOMEN… do not run the water! This is a very common thing for you all to do to hide noises but this is a very very bad decision. The whole idea is to disguise what you are doing in the bathroom… not give it away! When water runs for four minutes straight we know what's going on… seriously… we're not that dumb. It's nearly impossible to make a good excuse for why the water ran long enough to wash a small dog. Leave the water off. If you really want to cover the noise then cough! This will help you with a snappy comeback and make us worry about your health when you say, Wow, I think I'm catching a cold.

4. Sanitize! Public restrooms can be dirty so make sure to carry a sanitizer with you at all times. If not possible, wash hands extremely well.

 Warnings

1. Do not push with your abdominal muscles. This may cause herniation of the lower intestine through the abdominal wall.

 Things You'll Need

1. Patience

2. Sense of humor

3. Pop Rocks… you always need pop rocks.


Article added: 22 October 2007


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