Editor's Note: In denial? This may help. Or not.

How to Have Fun As an Alcoholic

Learn how to take the proper steps to enjoy your alcoholic lifestyle. Many alcoholics slide into depression due to the alienation of their friends and family, into poverty due to the skyrocketing cost of liquor in these troubled economic times, and into gutters due to the slippery-ness of wet sidewalks and poor balance. But that doesn't have to be you!

 Steps

1. Assuming you have friends or at least impressionable young relatives, organize social outings. Just because you drink a lot doesn't mean you have to sit at home weeping. Maybe you can even meet new people who aren't yet aware of the extent of your addiction! Try the county fair, the local post office, or hospital burn wards. Those people could use the perk-up anyway.

2. Ignore derisive comments about your drinking habits. Comments such as "This is destroying our relationship" and "It's me or the booze" are unfortunate but unavoidable. If your friends and family can't accept you for who you are, (an alcoholic) they don't deserve to have you in their life.

3. Be the life of the party. This should come easy to most, due to alcohol's helpful weakening effect on our inhibitions and concept of dignity, but keep in mind that people aren't amused by the same old routine of yelling and breaking things. Be original! Try building a porch or writing iambic pentameter poetry while drunk and see what happens. The results are guaranteed to entertain.

4. You don't have to set aside a time to drink — combine drinking with your everyday activities. It not only makes them more fun, it can also be a good conversation-starter. "Say, what have you got there, Doctor Cassidy?" "Oh this? Just a Nixon on the Rocks with two parts bourbon. Now let's have a look at that colon."

5. Share alcohol with those closest to you. It can be a fun and occasionally unexpectedly intimate bonding experience. It truly is the gift that keeps on giving, whether you want it to or not. But you do, so there's no problem here.

 Tips

* If your friends refuse to go to the bar with you, or chicken out and decide to go "sober", honor their memory by drinking whatever they would have ordered if they were there.

* Sporting events can be great occasions to go nuts and drink a lot, even if you have a very loose definition of what constitutes a sporting event. Elaboration here isn't necessary.

* Bring the kids presents when you show up at family reunions. There's no rule that says you can't be a "cool" drunk.

 Warnings

* Other heavy drinkers sometimes have a tendency to overshadow your antics at parties. Show them who's top dog. Chug three of whatever they're having.

* Don't drink and drive. How will you drink when you're dead? You won't. That's how.

* Know when to call it a night. The second time you wake up in the hospital is a good spot to calm down, maybe have a drink or something, and just chill out while you sort out your priorities and plan tomorrow's activities.

 Things You'll Need

* Alcohol

* That's it.


Article added: 01 June 2009


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