Editor's Note: Is this author hinting that emotional pain and discomfort are all relative?? Too bad it couldn't have been spelled out a little better, lol.

How to Hate Yourself

Have you sacrificed all of your waking time and effort for the betterment of the tragedy of human suffering? Have you ever bought anything for yourself when you know someone needed it more? Ever thought impure thoughts about a fellow being? Either way, chances are, you're a terrible person, and through self-loathing you can cope with this appropriately, by treating yourself as the despicable creature you really are.


1. Contemplate the human condition. Can you even imagine the suffering of losing a child to the bite of tuberculosis, after you sacrificed your social status and only friend to bear the bastard son? Of having your birthday forgotten by all your loved ones, because they have all died in a miserable car accident that was the result of your own selfishness? Of your Government imprisoning you and torturing you, killing your family before your eyes for your terrible excesses, your small joys and whispered words? The worst you have ever felt has been the empty, superficial heartbreak you experienced when your jilted former lover realized that you were not the person you claimed to be. You liked this pain, anyway, because it reminded you of your supposed capacity to feel, which was but a shallow pool in a sea of the pathos so deep that it extends into an infinite blackness, much like your wretched existence.

2. Remember every past instance of self pity that you have experienced, and compare it to the whole of human suffering. How dare you have cried at the death of an elderly loved one, who probably saw you as only a sniveling latcher-on who pretended to love them only out of filial obligation, and knew that you were disgusted by their flagrant displays of weakness and mortality. Think of all the people dying every day, in brutal, senseless wars and impossibly agonizing predicaments. Have you ever been hungry? No. No you haven't.

3. Appropriately belittle all of your past successes. Have you ever felt confident in your worth or abilities? Patted yourself on the back for a job well done, maybe gotten yourself a pastry as a reward? Ever looked down at someone else's work, scoffed confidently, knowing that you were superior? You have done nothing to deserve this false satisfaction, and should never have elevated yourself above the sinkhole of bourgeois excess.

4. Think about your parents. How they suffered so much for you. To do what? Waste your time on the internet, reading about how to improve your life on your expensive computer, carelessly spurning the deeds that must be done to better this miserable planet? How much time have you spent playing with yourself, that you could have been alleviating pain and misery?


* Remember: every other human being is as terrible as you. No one deserves to consider themselves good or successful in this mortal struggle for pitiful existence.

* God doesn't exist, and if he did, he would be very ashamed of the things you do and think about.

* Try destroying all your worldly possessions, then weeping over their shattered fragments at the thought of the paradoxical happiness and despair they could have given to someone less fortunate than you.

* Stop bathing, as a testament to the inner filthiness of your soul. Know the social rejection and disgust you will elicit in others as indicative of their true lack of care for you as a human, despite the superficial lies they have previously hurled at you.

* If all else fails, think about your dead pets, and how you neglected them and took them for granted when all they desired, the only thing they even understood, was the depths of love you could potentially give them, but chose not to, because you were playing video games and eating fried foods, or were just disgusted by their aging, crippled bodies that reminded you of their former cuteness, now withered into a pathetic shadow of lonely, wretched longing for affection. This is nothing, however, in comparison to the existence of animals destined to be meat for you to whimsically devour, animals who have never seen daylight, knowing only the cold gray of the inside of a factory, where chills of terror at the screams of slaughter are their only comfort from the literally knee-buckling pain of simply being alive. These creatures have never seen their parents or known the joys of fresh air or food, which you have knowingly deprived them of.


* Do not kill yourself. It would only be another selfish gesture of pathetic self-assertion, the crying out of an identity that is just a delusion. Nobody wants to deal with your mortal remains, not to mention the emotional and financial messes you would assuredly leave behind.

* Although drugs may dull the pain of awareness of your own wretched follies, you will inevitably return to the waking nightmare of consciousness, now with the knowledge of your own waste of substances that could have made someone else so much more happy, someone who actually needed them.

* Do not, under any circumstances, attempt to write prose, poetry, music, or any other kind of creative communication borne of your own righteous, self-indulgent melancholy. The one exception is this wikiHow article, which has already been satisfactorily created. If you must eke out your selfish need for meaningless expression, etch this article into your flesh as a reminder of the tortures of existence, that are so much worse for others than for you, even if you now bleed from every surface on your physical body.

* Avoid places of worship, bodies of water, and corporate consumer spaces.

Article added: 08 December 2008

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