Editor's Note: We have not tried this yet. Be sure and comment on our blog if it works for you!

How to Get and Keep the Girl of Your Dreams: the Anaconda Method

She is gorgeous. She has the eyes of a million dandelions. Her nose is well sculpted just like Mount Rushmore. And she has the body like a battle ax. When you look at her, she makes you feel whole and complete. Only one more thing and your life will be perfect, to make her your girl. And the best way to go about this is to hunt her down and take her out... Just like an anaconda.


* 2 Bananas

* 5 lbs. of hagus

* A great heaping bowl of lutefisk

* Blue food coloring

Place contents in blender. Put on lid, then blend for 5 minutes, until creamy smooth. Then invite her over for a drink...


1. Find her.

2. Woo her.

3. Make her yours (give her no other options).

4. That's pretty much the basic steps to getting your Mrs. Anaconda. Fool-proof and sure, this plan will work out nicely. Any questions, comments or concerns, please call the incredible hard working team at the RH at 612-555-1638.


* Bite her. If the anaconda method works for you (and it will, definitely), she is most likely a bad bad girl, and you'll send her into a deep dark vortex of undying love.

* Do NOT back down or be shy. This is a huge turn off for girls. Even if they seem withdrawn and not that into you, KEEP PUSHING! Eventually, she will realize that you're persistent, and that nothing (and I mean NOTHING) will stop an Anaconda Man!


* I do not own this method, so any problems that may or may not occur are not my liability. You're the one who's looking this up on the Internet, it's your own god damn vault. Yes, vault (from Land of the Lost, also a great provider of information on how to get the girl of your dreams).

* Possible dangers: Kidney failure, Erectile dysfunction, Nerve damage, Mental confusion, and extreme swings in body temperature. If any of these side effects occur, please visit your local Walmart pharmacist. Or contact the number above.

Article added: 31 May 2010

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Snakes who like
shoes make
expensive girlfriends.

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