How to Fight a Unicorn

Many times when traveling through Central Park at night or a similar area (Boston Commons, the Astrodome, MIR, etc.) you may find yourself confronted with one of the fastest growing threats to public safety. Unicorns. Luckily for you, some of us have grown tired of the threat these creatures pose to us and now you too can become educated on how to deal with these great one horned beasts.


1. Don't panic. Unicorns can sense fear. If you're frightened, the unicorn will not hesitate to charge at you and run you through in the fashion of their terrifying Narwhal brethren.

2. Stand with your feet about shoulder length apart for better balance and mobility. Unicorns are able to charge without warning and being able to quickly jump to the side is key to your survival.

3. Unicorns are hardy creatures and if unarmed you can't hope to bring it down by merely punching it in the head. Try to go for the neck. Be sure to stand out of the reach of the Unicorn's horn. The best way to accomplish this is to run past its' head so that it will have to turn its whole body if the beast wishes to strike you.

4. Once you've stunned the beast, keep striking its neck. It will be difficult to endure watching such a majestic beast begin to cough up and choke on its own blood, but if you let it live by this point it will never stop hunting you. You will wake up in the morning and find hoof marks on your apartment door. You'll get strange phone calls in the middle of the night and all you will hear is a soft neighing. Your friends and family will be hounded by the animal and killed for your trespasses. Unicorns are vengeful creatures who will think nothing of skewering your innocent 5 year old niece to inflict emotional suffering on you as a means of retribution for the pain you caused it so long ago.


*Remember that Unicorns are attracted to virgins. Try to avoid traveling with virgins at night. They're no fun at parties anyway.

*If you're unwilling or unable to fight a Unicorn, remember that they can be appeased by an offering of crushed pearls mixed in with ambrosia and the milk of the Crying Cows found on the steppes of Brunei.

*Try to avoid reasoning with the creatures. They tend to ignore most of your valid points and incorporate too many fallacies of personal experience into their rebuttals. Should the Unicorns utilize an argumentum ad hominem you are perfectly within your rights to announce it for the logical fallacy it is and nine times out of ten you will receive an apology from the Unicorn. One time out of ten you will be skewered on the Unicorn's horn as usual.


*Though all Unicorns are born with the inherent ability to understand American Sign Language, pleading for your life in ASL will not help you.

*You should not attempt to flip the Unicorn by its horn when it charges unless you are a 3rd degree master of Aikido, and then only when there is no doubt of your success. Greater men than you have tried and failed.

*When you have defeated the Unicorn, never resort to name calling. It's hurtful and completely unnecessary.

*Despite popular belief, Unicorns have no fondness for rainbows or the color pink. Unicorns are in fact color blind. A class 3 outbreak of zombies it's not, but you still need to know how to defend yourself against a Unicorn, even if you are already very smart.

Thanks to Josh Stroh

Article added: 18 October 2007

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Generally speaking,
you will not need to defend yourself from sculptures

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