Editor's Note: The last thing we need is another massive disaster in the Milwaukee Deep or on the streets of Tokyo or wherever, especially one involving YOU and the much feared Architeuthis dux. So listen up.

How to Fend off a Giant Squid

Giant squid have terrorized sailors for centuries. Now you, yes you, can learn how to fend off a giant squid and prevent yet another tragic maritime disaster.


1. Make sure it is indeed a giant squid, and not just a very large octopus, otherwise, it will not work. You can tell by specifying these distinctions:
  • It has a beak.
  • The ends of its tentacles are razor sharp, strong enough to cut through steel cable. You could tell this if it has split your ship in half.
  • It has four eyelids.
  • The top of its head is pointed and not rounded.

2. You need to get a solid gold harpoon with an extremely powerful harpoon launcher. Also, the harpoon must be blessed by a Micronesian monk of the Temple of Xalinahyu.

3. To get the monk to bless your harpoon you must sacrifice a rare white bat in his honor.

4. Load your solid gold, blessed harpoon into the launcher and wait for the Giant Squid to come your way.

5. Take careful aim at its sweetspot. The sweetspot is the area smack-dab in the middle of its eyes. It is called the sweetspot because that is where the membrane bound sack that hold its power supply: hydrogenated glucose. Piercing this sack will mean instant death for the Giant Squid.

6. Congratulations! You have just killed a Giant Squid.


* Watch out for its testicles. They are extremely powerful and can kill you with one blow.


* Death is definitely possible.

 Things You'll Need

* A solid gold blessed harpoon

* A boat

* A giant squid

Article added: 23 February 2009

wikiHowl collects funny how-to articles deleted from wikiHow.com, and brings them to you when you are looking for a laugh. wikiHow's content is shared under a Creative Commons license; with author credits for these silly or bizarre how-to's available via wikiHow's Deletion Log.

A picture with your
attacker makes a
lovely keepsake.

Bookmark and Share