Editor's Note: Almost everyone can easily complete Step Two, mostly because no one dies from (or contracts) "pneumonic" plague in this day and age. (Or any day and age.) Don't know what it is? Hold your emails to the wikiHowl penthouse. We never heard of it either. Maybe ask the Enrollment Office people. Or a mollusk.

How to Feel Better About Bad Grades

So you got bad grades. You may even have gotten terrible grades. Perhaps you're flunking out of grade school, perhaps you are flunking out of law school. That sucks. Luckily, there are thousands of students out there in your exact situation probably. Being a student sucks, here's how you deal with it.


1. Use a black felt-tip pen to edit your transcript so it looks like you got all A's if you squint. This is easiest if you have failed and gotten all F's. (Just to be on the safe side, go for an all-F report card in the first place).

2. Make a list of all the major diseases you don't have. This is especially good if you are trying not to flunk out of med school. For example: "I am happy because I am not dying of pneumonic plague."

3. Give yourself treats. For example: For every class I get a D in this semester, I give myself a cookie.

4. Boost your own self-esteem by viciously taking down other people. For example: Every time that I don't pass Calculus, I make fun of mollusks because they are so stupid.

5. Gripe and complain. Throw a temper tantrum. Not only will you be dissipating your anger, but you will burn calories.

6. Win at something. For example: I win at chess and in the process trying I learned how to use the undo button a lot.

7. Do something good. For example: I may suck at juggling and at parties and at law school, but I recycle.

8. Wake up early and do something. Give yourself a cookie if you do. Your other reward is you can go back to sleep. For example: I wake up at 6:30 and smash the digital reading out of my alarm clock. Then I give myself a cookie and go back to sleep.

9. Take the stupid class again. I emphasize "the stupid" because if the class is not smarter than you, you are smarter than the class. You are also smarter than the stupid Enrollment Office people who make your life difficult and are stupid.

10. Repeat the last step as often as is necessary.

 Things You'll Need

* A transcript with a face made for radio.

Article added: 14 August 2009

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Flunking out of grade
school sucks.

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