Editor's Note: If you are fussy about leaving a mess, you will need to tuck these instructions away, just in case.
How to Dig Your Own Grave
At some point in your life, you'll have pissed off the wrong people and before you know it, you're in an abandoned farmhouse after midnight looking down the barrel of a shotgun. You have to dig your own grave and fast. Here's how to do it.
1. Accept that you're going to die.
2. Hold shovel firmly, yet comfortably.
3. Push the tip into the soil and use your foot to force the rest of it down.
4. Lift the caught soil up and toss it aside.
5. Repeat until your captor kills you.
* Don't let your inevitable death compromise the quality of your grave. I can't tell you how many people make shoddy graves when they're weeping and begging for their lives. It's really a shame, because it's their final resting place and it looks like crap. Great work guys, seriously.
* If you are in fact in a situation where you have to dig your own grave, don't bother trying to fight your way out of it. You'll just embarrass yourself.
Article added: 25 September 2009
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