Editor's Note: One thing which abounds in the wiki world is funny articles about how to fight against non-existent threats. If you are worried about attacks from huge extinct reptiles, these erstwhile silly how to guides might come in handy!

How to Defend Yourself Against a Velociraptor

This article is designed to help people fight velociraptors.  Velociraptors have been fighting people since Jurassic Park came out in I think the 90's.

 Steps

1. Firstly, you need to be sure you're fighting a velociraptor. To identify a velociraptor try throwing a stick or something at it to see if it runs at you. If it's running really fast and screaming it's probably a velociraptor and now you are in some big danger.

2. Next, turn around and start running away from the velociraptor. It will catch you within seconds.

3. Now's your chance.  Try hitting it, probably in the face but maybe in the arms or tail.

4. Maybe also try calling the police but don't say you're fighting a velociraptor because they won't believe you, say you're fighting terrorism.

 Tips

* Try to avoid velociraptors and familiarity with pirates.

* Carry around a velociraptor mask so you can maybe trick an attacking velociraptor into thinking you're also a velociraptor, but this probably won't work actually.

 Warnings

* Velociraptors can run faster than most cars if there is traffic, and have very sharp teeth and claws as made known in Jurassic Park, when Sam Neil picks up that raptor claw and talks about slicing that little kid up into a mess of flesh confetti.

* The velociraptor has also been known to open doors and may have the ability to learn other simple tasks such as:

  Gardening

  Listening to Motorhead

 Things You'll Need

* 6 lbs.


Article added: 20 June 2008


wikiHowl collects funny how-to articles deleted from wikiHow.com, and brings them to you when you are looking for a laugh. wikiHow's content is shared under a Creative Commons license; with author credits for these silly or bizarre how-to's available via wikiHow's Deletion Log.

Dress scary like this
guy. And consider
a mask.


Bookmark and Share