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How to Catch a Unicorn

This article is about catching unicorns. It is not a joke and is a serious topic that should not be taken lightly.

 Steps

1. Find a fair maiden. She must be wearing a white dress and a blue apron. She has to be quietly weeping and genuinely sad. It helps if her name is Abigail and she has light brown hair.

2. Take the maiden to the woods and have her kneel on the ground while she quietly weeps. Make sure she is wearing modest shoes and is showing NO cleavage on her dress.
 
3. You may end up waiting for a long time for the unicorn to arrive or it may only take five minutes. It is best to try to catch the unicorn at 2:09pm-3:06pm.

4. If you follow all the steps just right the unicorn should come right over and lay its head on the maidens lap.
 
5. If you want to take the unicorn home, alive, catch in a net and put in a horse or bear cage.

6. If you are okay with killing the unicorn and taking it with you, have the maiden stimulate the unicorn's senses by reading to it from 'Pride and Prejudice', 'Gone With The Wind' or 'Oliver Twist'. Or you could possibly calm the unicorn by letting it listen to Kanye West or Colbie Calliat through orange iPod speakers.

7. After the unicorn is calmed, it should fall asleep. Once asleep, the unicorn is a heavy sleeper. You must get some grapefruit juice, fish grease, water from melted snow and white wine, mix it together and put it into a syringe and inject it into the sleeping unicorn's cheek or throat.

 Tips

* Putting green eye shadow on the maiden might cause the unicorn to come faster.

* If the maiden is wearing red lipstick the unicorn may attack her.

* Many unicorns have an allergy to salt.

 Warnings

* The steps above will not attract any animal other than a unicorn.

* If the maiden drinks any type of diet drink before you go to catch the unicorn the unicorn will send squirrels to dance around her in an annoying fashion

* Unicorns are immortal unless killed by the steps above.

* A Pegacorn or Unipeg is rarely sighted, but the steps above could attract one.

 Things You'll Need

* A fair maiden

* A net

* A syringe

* Green eye shadow

* Orange iPod speakers

* Portable music player

* The above listed music and/or books

* Grapefruit juice

* Fish grease

* Water from melted snow

* White wine

* White dress

* Light blue apron

* Modest shoes

* Patience

* A heart to kill or capture a unicorn



Article Added: 06 July 2009


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Do not let the unicorn
catch you first!