Editor's Note: No wonder we keep our kids inside these days and don't let them do anything but play with video games!

How to Catch a Tree Squirrel

This article is about various ways to become a super ninja warrior like me and have a house full of tree squirrels that you have caught!


1. Grab a few useful items like non-hurtful weapons or crackers. Tree squirrels love crackers, and they are pacifists.

2. Also, you might want to get a cage, to put the tree squirrels in.

3. Change your name to something like Barrett Hunter: Tree Squirrel Conqueror of All Super Fantastical Life the Third. Or Bob.

4. Go outside to a tree, and try to spot some tree squirrels with your binoculars.

5. If you spot some, do an Aztec war cry. These attract tree squirrels from a mile around.

6. When they come to you, feed them the crackers. Crackers do not have hazardous chemicals in them, and tree squirrels are severely allergic to hazardous things. Like Aslan the lion.

7. When they are close enough, put them in a cage.

8. Wait 5 seconds.

9. Let them out.

10. They will forever be indebted to you


* Make sure that you bring along some Club crackers. Tree squirrels love clubs.

* Tree squirrels also like the song "I Kissed A Girl" by Katy Perry, so buy that song and blast it.


* Tree squirrels have ten quadrillion razor sharp teeth, so Beware!

* Watch out or they might kill everyone in the world except for Carmen Electra.

Article Added: 18 September 2009

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After you read these
instructions, this
squirrel will be toast.

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