Editor's Note: "No one realizes how beautiful it is to travel until he comes home and rests his head on his old, familiar pillow." - Lin Yutang

How to Buy a Feather Pillow

As you can obviously observe, buying a feather pillow brings one a task so difficult that it must be solved by an article on how to buy one. No worries, however, for with these few steps, you will successfully understand how to purchase (and by George, even USE) a feather pillow.


1. First and foremost, you must consider whether or not purchasing a pillow would be a financially wise decision to carry on with. Understanding what your needs are is the first step.

2. After thoughtful thinking and ultimately deciding upon purchasing this wonderful addition to your house, you must choose the size and consistency of feathers for your particular pillow that should satisfy your sleeping necessities.

3. Consider the different stores that you can go to. Also take note upon the different prices and quality, something you can do with a few hours time on the Internet.

4. Honestly, if you need to use an article on how to purchase a feather pillow, you can take more time to look for the quality and stores in your area. I'm not your mother.

5. Upon deciding the store of where you will find your desired pillow, make sure you know how to get there. This includes figuring out your mode of transportation (whether it be by train, carpool, driving yourself, or Apparation) and understanding the route and money that it will take to safely get to your desired destination.

6. After that severe planning via Internet and other sources of information, you are ready to buy your pillow! But wait... only a few more steps.

7. Before you step out into public, make sure you appear and smell decent. But why are you going out into public? Because you're not going to buy something so necessary on the Internet. A lot of liars are from the Internet, so it's better to buy something from real-life, even if that is your particular phobia.

8. After showering (hopefully) and wearing decent clothing, you are ready to buy your pillow.

9. Have the money in your pocket, wallet, or purse at that particular moment.

10. Keep self-defense tools with you as you brace the streets of violence and disorder that are often found in today's society.

11. Be aware that if you are smiling, you will often be considered suspicious. Thus, you must not smile while in public and learn the 'grunt' language.

12. Don't dally around the store when buying only one product, for more than 30 minutes to an hour.

13. After choosing the pillow of your choice, walk to the cashier.

14. When the cashier asks you, "How are you doing today, sir/ma'am?" the proper response is simply a grunt that vocally sounds like, "Goo."

15. Take your things and walk to your car.

16. And you have bought your lovely pillow!


* Shops like Pier 1 Imports, Ashley Furniture, Dillards, and even Target sell decent feather pillows.

* Before you even consider going out in public, really think about this — do you really need something so trivial as a pillow? This $15.99-29.99 investment?

* As long as it helps you sleep, it's alright. Or maybe you don't sleep, but you just like pillows. I don't know, I'm not you.

* You can dress your pillow how you like. You can clash your bedsheets, unless your mother or your partner (or both!) are unhappy with that decision.

* If you have issues with sleeping, you may consider going to the hospital and asking for insomnia medication.

* You can also buy soothing music or kick out a roommate who snores. Pillows can't fix loud roommates.

* You can also just knock yourself out. Not with the pillow — they don't do much really. The consistency with the matter doesn't do the trick.


* Make sure that you aren't wearing any strange, attention-seeking clothing. That makes robbers and thieves beckon towards you, and unless you're a masochist or just completely socially obtuse, it isn't a grand idea.

* Do not be a nuisance. The security guards will kick you out. It's their job, dear.

* The pillow may cause debt, the mafia coming to butcher you into little pieces, or lifelong South American slavery if you find yourself in debt already.

* This feather pillow may cause an allergic reaction.

* This feather pillow may be cause for death by suffocation.

* This feather pillow may be cause for people to think you are rather odd.

 Things You'll Need

* A good sense of humor

* Transportation

* Internet

* Future-planning skills

* A brain of some sort

* Money would be nice

* Shoes

* Clothes (the government doesn't really appreciate nudists in public places)

* Insomnia medication

* A doctor

* Stores near you

Article added: 04 July 2011

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The feathers won't
be missed.

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