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How to Blink and Breathe

Blinking and breathing are important to your daily life. Blinking keeps your eyes moist, and it helps to keep a dry pain from overwhelming you eyes. Breathing helps to keep you alive. It is important. Breathing also allows you to look alive, which may be somewhat important in attracting a mate.


1. Blinking. You have these flaps of skin above and below your eyeballs known as eye lids. These are what you use to blink. To begin blinking, remember the last time you went to sleep. Do you remember what happened? You closed your eyes. Try it now, while you are awake but do not fall asleep. That makes blinking rather difficult.

2. To begin blinking, make sure your eyes are completely clear from any airborne dust or objects that may interfere with the blink. When you are sure your eyes are clear, prepare to blink. At this point in time your eyes are probably quite dry and irritated.

3. Now, thinking back to the time you last went to sleep, close your eyes just like you did back then. Once your eyes are completely closed (completely closed = not being able to see any light unless you are facing directly into a light, in which case you should see a pale red light (this is the light passing through your skin)), open them again. Open them quickly, but not so fast that when your eyes are completely open, your eyebrows shoot up and you look surprised. Then you will look foolish because you are surprised at your newfound ability to blink.

4. Congratulations! You have just blinked! Continue this process for the rest of your life. This is approximately 20 blinks a minute, which is approximately 1,200 blinks an hour, which is approximately 28,800 blinks a day, which is approximately 864,000 blinks a month, which is approximately 10,368,000 blinks a year. Blinking is a very enjoyable activity, and it can be done in unison with many other interesting activities, such as excreting waste or blatantly lying to close friends.

5. Now on to breathing. Breathing helps to keep you alive, and surprisingly, many people have difficulty achieving air intake. To begin breathing, realize that it is a very important decision to keep breathing. It will affect the rest of your life. If you choose to not breathe, then the rest of your life will be rather short and painful.

6. To begin breathing, you must choose which orifice you want the air to enter; your mouth or your nose. This is a rather simple decision but is important, because breathing in both orifices at once can make you choke. And die. So once you have picked your preferred orifice, expand your chest and create internal suction in said orifice. This will create an intake of air into your lungs. Congratulations! you have just inhaled! But do not get too excited, as this is only half the process.

7. Prepare to exhale. This is just as important as inhaling because if you do not exhale you will be unable to inhale again without great difficulty and discomfort. To exhale, you must once again choose your preferred orifice. If you are breathing heavily, because of recent physical activity, your mouth is probably the wiser choice as it allows for greater air movement. This comes with a risk however. Breathing through your mouth continually will eventually make you develop bad breath. But whether you pick your mouth or your nose, you must begin to contract your chest, forcing air out of your lungs. This is known as exhaling.

8. Congratulations! you have just breathed! Now to continue staying alive, repeat this process approximately 35 times a minute, approximately 2,100 times an hour, approximately 50,400 times a day, approximately 1,512,000 times a month, approximately 18,144,000 times a year, and approximately 1,306,368,000 times total in your life, if you plan on living to the ripe age of 72, which is the average age for a male in the United States as of 2005.


* Before breathing or blinking, make sure there is nothing disrupting, interfering with, blocking, jammed into, clogging, or breaking respective air pipes and eyelid trajectories, as this will make said action difficult and painful.

* Try not to do either activity quickly or repeatedly for long periods of time at high speeds as this will strain your body.


* Do not stop doing either of these until you die. If you stop doing either of this, chances are you will die soon anyways.

Article added: 27 February 2009

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Winking gets you
half way there.

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