Editor's Note: This sophisticated potty humor article about going to the toilet was deleted? How sad for those who have never been to the bathroom before. What will they do now?

How to Behave Properly in a Public Toilette

Unless you are rich enough to travel in a limo fitted with a bathroom and fly in your own aircraft, you will need, once in a while, to take a leak in a public rest room. These usually stinking places are known to cause nausea in folks accustomed to good living; and will bring about  loss of consciousness in some extreme cases. To ensure that you are not knocked down by the overpowering stench as soon as you open the door, always cover your nose with your custom made silk handkerchief and tie the two ends in the back in the manner of a street bandit. It is permissible for those particularly sensitive to smell to wear a gas-mask.

 Steps

1. Thus attired and after double-checking that the toilet you are about to enter is indeed meant for the members of your sex, push the door slightly ajar and let yourself in as inconspicuously as possible.

2. Wait calmly for your turn if all the urinals are occupied. It is simply not done to walk up and down looking furtively to size up who is closest to finishing. Before unzipping, always take one last good look around you for enemies and creditors you are trying to hide from; for once the flow has started, it is not done, even if you spot a homicidal maniac trying to kill you, to turn back suddenly and run.

3. If you notice that the person peeing next to you is an acquaintance, keep greetings and salutations to a minimum. Especially avoid the question "How is it going?" It is never done to shake hands or give a hug in these highly humid atmospheres. A curt nod or the brief comment "how jolly to see you here!" should suffice. If you spot a friend who is relieving himself, it is the height of bad manners to give a violent slap on the back of your unsuspecting friend while shouting "By Jove, it's you!", thus startling him and causing him to lose control of his flow which might dangerously turn towards you.

 Tips

* If you are a celebrity unaccompanied by bodyguards, you should avoid going to a public toilette at all costs. The fans will not only insist on having your autographs on toilette papers even as you stand peeing, a melee might break out among the more enthusiastic of them to grab a piece of your magnificent body and they won't let you free out of the engripment easily. And in the middle of this mingling mish mash, the most ardent of the fans will try to collect drops of your urine for later display among valuables in their drawing rooms to show proudly to the guests.

* Bathrooms provide excellent privacy to women for discussing things that must be kept from men and to the top brass bureaucrats and business bosses for behind-the-back wheelings and dealings, and among venues for last minute plans on back-stabbing operations and aggressive take-over bids,  this is the one most favored by the ruthlessly ambitious gold diggers and corporate honchos alike. Remember, however, while making such conversations to keep your voice low and unless it is a contract for shortening some body's life-span you are finalizing, avoid making eye contact.


Article added: 18 January 2008


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This guy must not
have read the
wikiHow on how to
go to the bathroom.


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