Editor's Note: Beware, dining out is a dangerous game. The main things this writer wants us to watch out for are the classic restaurant problems of the The Crying Baby and The Friend Who Steals Food From Your Plate. And make sure you leave a tip. Even if the waitress is sporting an Obama 08 button, she is probably not going to appreciate your spreading the wealth to the homeless guy outside, instead of to her, just because he needs your money more than she does.
How to Behave in Certain Situations at RestaurantsThis is a manual about how to act in some situations in a restaurant. Here you will see what you should or not do and what the consequences will be.
1. When you arrive at the restaurant, be sure to be nice with the waiter/waitress that is dressed as a teletubbie or something like that (they usually wear some weird outfit that's supposed to make you laugh, but that doesn't work well all the time). By doing so, you might get some extra food or at least a better service.
2. On your way to the table, be sure to choose well the place you will be sitting, to avoid some bad situations (or someone, like a crying baby who likes to throw food on his father's face as well as on other people´s face around). Try also to avoid getting a sticky table with an unknown yellowish substance on it.
3. If you are in a group of friends, try choosing the place to sit near the most trustful people you know, as it's common your food might disappear from your plate without you noticing it. Or if you have a friend who likes to talk while having food in his mouth. In case you can't get away from the guy who spits, try dodging the possible rice flying off his mouth and read the warning and tips.
4. When ordering the food, be sure to ask for that waiter (or waitress) you were nice to before, you might get a very good service. If it's a different person, don't panic. Act as if their outfit were normal and say everything with a big smile on the face.
5. When your food arrives, try to check if it's all okay. If there's something you dislike, like a meat not enough cooked, ask the person serving you to have it cooked a bit more, but never sound like you are blaming him or the meat might end as a piece of coal.
6. If you have a friend who talks while having food on his mouth, try to dodge the pieces of rice or whatever he is spitting. If that don't work you should try to make him turn his head to another person that is on the other side of the table (but tell people to cover the food first, as it might be annoying to eat someone else's half ate rice).
7. Sooner or later the time to pay the bill will come, and sometimes it might happen that you forgot your wallet. In that case you can always try the classic "Excuse me, I have to go to the toilet" and spend about 30 or 40 minutes there (later you blame the food for it). After you leave the toilet the bill might have already been paid and you say you will pay your share another day (try to divide the amount in to 3 months so you pay a smaller amount per month).
8. Make a very funny or ridiculous joke before leaving to make everyone laugh or they might never ask you to go out again because of the bill problem (if you are entertaining it at least worth it).
* If you are father of a crying baby who usually throws food on your face, always bring an extra shirt with you and be sure to keep that in mind before making more babies.
* Bring a cloth napkin to put on yours legs, it might me helpful in case the restaurant don't give you one.
* Don't ask for French fries or onion rings if you are in a group, those are easily stolen without you noticing it.
* Give the person serving you a good tip, so next time he will remember you and treat you well (only if the service was at least ok).
* Try chatting with the waiter (or waitress). If it's a man, ask him his football team and if it's a woman try making a joke.
* If you want to give a clear message to your rice spitting friend, bring an umbrella to the restaurant and open it to protect yourself.
* If you made the waiter (or waitress) angry, check your food to see if nothing is moving or if something has a strange color.
* If the crying baby manages to hit you with the food, don't start a fight, because his/her father might me a karate black belt.
* Never touch unknown substances you may find, they might give you strange reactions.
Article added: 07 November 2008
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