Editor's Note: Vampires will never hurt you. Otherwise, wiki editors would not be so quick to joke about how to don vampire fangs in preparation for a hilarious vampire weekend.

How to Become a Vampire

Some people like to say that it is impossible to be turned into a vampire. They're losers. Anyone can join the ranks of the undead! All you have to do is follow our helpful wiki-thing, and you, too, can be a vampire!


1. Hang out at cemeteries and look for creepy people who may, themselves, be vampires. These people will probably be pale and sickly-looking, and may have blood smeared all over their mouths from feeding on unsuspecting humans.

2. Cultivate friends within the vampiric community. Talk to your new cemetery buddies, or lurk on message boards for real vampires. Become best buddies with them, and they just may bite you! (This is a good thing.)

3. Dress like a 13-year-old mall goth. This is imperative. If you don't buy all your clothes at Hot Topic, you're doing it wrong.

4. Locate a supply of human blood! Here are some methods of obtaining it: Blood banks (work there or just break in and steal it), hospitals (the sick people will be too messed up to notice if you take blood from them), mental hospitals, losers who enjoy having blood taken, fetishists, etc. You'll need this blood to drink after you become a vampire.

5. Build up your tolerance for blood. For most of us, if we swallow even a small amount of blood we'll be throwing it up for hours. Take it from me, this is not enjoyable. Drink more and more blood every day, and soon you'll be able to consume enough. Yeah, boy!

6. Get bitten by a vampire! Depending upon how messed up you are, this can be either a horrific or enjoyable experience. Do you like pain? If so, you'll probably love this part.

7. Make sure to stay out of the sunlight, or you'll turn to ashes or catch on fire or something. And that would be unpleasant.

8. Always pretend that you want to hide your new condition, but make sure to flaunt your vampiric qualities on message boards and to people you know. Be very vague. Be sort of douchey. This is the most important step of all!


* Vampires are undead.

* Keep out of sunlight.

* Coffins really aren't the best sleeping places. Beds are good.

Article added: 05 May '08

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