Editor's Note: Assessing the freakonomics of any given interpersonal situation, you are likely to find that most people don't want to be a goofball. But the crazy thing is, you never know… so a wiki editor was kind enough to provide instructions just in case.
How to Be FreakishEver want to weird people out by being, well, a freak? Just totally and completely abnormal? Read on to learn…
1. It's best to start your change to freakishness suddenly, so that people will be more alarmed. Put the right foot forward by changing your appearance in a drastic way over a weekend. Shave half your head. Or, shave your eyebrows. OR shave your whole head, and your eyebrows, and then draw hair on with a magic marker.
2. Insist that people call you by an unusual name typically associated with the opposite gender. For girls, Norman is a good pick. Guys should stick with either Betty or Monique, those are classics
3. Make sure to change your behavior to match your new name. Adopt a totally new persona. Maybe you were Dave, mild-mannered 11th grade varsity soft-ball player, but now you're BETTY, a lovable yet gruff in-denial lesbian housewife in London during the Blitz. Betty wouldn't play X-box or hang out with the guys. NO. She'd be planting a victory garden and eyeing up Miss Wimbsley, that sexy new neighbor whose husband perished tragically on the front lines.
4. Introduce your clique to some new pals of yours… Barbie dolls, who you must refer to as your lady friends. Take your harem everywhere with you, especially into the bathroom. They can have a pool party in the toilet tank while you do your thing.
5. Once your name and image are changed, throw a Coming out as a Weirdo Party. Watch horror movies with all your friends and laugh at the scary parts… really loud, in an unusually deep or high-pitched voice. Refuse to eat any of the refreshments (but stare at other people while they are eating). Tell people you want to lose weight, for when your final efforts must come to fruition. Refuse to put on any music, yet insist that everybody dance.
6. Since after your coming-out party you won't have many friends, you have plenty of time to work on your first Freaky Project: Begin collecting something strange, like your fingernail clippings, or the baby teeth of small children in your neighborhood. Show everyone your collection, and demand that they handle the objects you've collected.
7. Alternately, you can fill in the time by redecorating your room. I suggest putting packing tape over the windows, since you never know who's watching. It is good to also hang up giant swastika flags or other Nazi paraphernalia, especially if you are Jewish.
8. And as another option to fill the friendship-shaped hole in your heart, you can join a cult. Make sure to hand out fliers propagating your cult's beliefs at school. Invite classmates to join the family.
9. You can also seek solace in the home, by growing closer to your real, non-cult, family. Make sure to tell everyone about the huge crush you have on your brother/sister. Make sure to be very touchy-feely with that sibling in public. Play with their hair, ask for piggyback rides, and bring up how great it was when your parents used to force you to take baths together… why not try it again, for old times sake?
10. Since now you'll have no friends and your family will probably shun you or castrate you (depending on your gender), it's time for a mock-suicide attempt, to garner attention and gain sympathy. Attempt self-immolation (look it up in the dictionary, sucka), or stand on a window ledge with ketchup running down your wrists, screaming "Kelly!" or some other name over and over again.
11. After you fake a suicide attempt, you will end up in a mental ward. Try as you might, there is no hope of seeming freaky there. You might consider your long and hilarious journey over. Just sit back and relax. With the mood-suppressants, you might see some cool colors.
* Instead of calling your coming out as a weirdo party just that, try calling it a box social… or better yet, tell the people you invite that they're coming to a funeral. They'll be pleasantly surprised that it's just a party!
* Go trick-or-treating, no matter how old you are, or what day of the year it is.
* Try not to eat anything white.
* People will hate you
* Hospital food really sucks
Article added: 31 July 2008
wikiHowl collects funny how-to articles deleted from wikiHow.com, and brings them to you when you are looking for a laugh. wikiHow's content is shared under a Creative Commons license; with author credits for these silly or bizarre how-to's available via wikiHow's Deletion Log.
Keep an eye out for
the latest in